Loading practices
Loading practices
Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
I felt alone last night and would love an evening together, not you always disappear.
Tell My servants to say what is best, because Satan sows discord among them (Quran 17:53). Opening with what you feel and need rather than what they did wrong is choosing the better word before the discord gets in.
الإسراء
وَقُل لِّعِبَادِي يَقُولُواْ ٱلَّتِي هِيَ أَحۡسَنُۚ إِنَّ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنَ يَنزَغُ بَيۡنَهُمۡۚ إِنَّ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنَ كَانَ لِلۡإِنسَٰنِ عَدُوࣰّ ا مُّبِينࣰ ا
[Prophet], tell My servants to say what is best. Satan sows discord among them: Satan is a sworn enemy of man
Qur’an 17:53read it in the library
طه
فَقُولَا لَهُۥ قَوۡلࣰ ا لَّيِّنࣰ ا لَّعَلَّهُۥ يَتَذَكَّرُ أَوۡ يَخۡشَىٰ
Speak to him gently so that he may take heed, or show respect.’
Qur’an 20:44read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Gottman found that the opening minutes of a difficult conversation largely predict how it ends. Starting with what you feel and what you need, rather than what your partner did wrong, is what keeps the discussion from escalating.
John M. Gottman; Nan Silver (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown
Principle 5, step 1, soften your start-up. A discussion ends on the note it began on. A complaint stated as I feel, about what, and what I need avoids the harsh start-up that predicts a failed conversation.
Gottman, J.; Coan, J.; Carrere, S.; Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family doi
Newlywed interaction patterns; accepting influence; soft start-up.
Strength of evidence: seen more than once. Replicated observational or longitudinal work, not tested against a control.
A soft start-up prevents the flooding a harsh one triggers.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict; Gentle Start-up (lead with your feeling and your need, not their fault).