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Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
Can we start over. I hear you. Let me try again. A hand held out mid-fight.
The believers are but brothers, so make peace between them (Qur'an 49:10). A reaching word mid-quarrel is peace-making in miniature.
الحجرات
إِنَّمَا ٱلۡمُؤۡمِنُونَ إِخۡوَةࣱ فَأَصۡلِحُواْ بَيۡنَ أَخَوَيۡكُمۡۚ وَٱتَّقُواْ ٱللَّهَ لَعَلَّكُمۡ تُرۡحَمُونَ
The believers are brothers, so make peace between your two brothers and be mindful of God, so that you may be given mercy
Qur’an 49:10read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
A repair attempt is any move that lowers the temperature during an argument, and Gottman found the ability to make and accept them is what separates stable couples from unstable ones. One softer word can break the spiral.
John M. Gottman; Nan Silver (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown
Principle 5, step 2, repair attempts. Gottman calls the repair attempt the secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples: any word or act that de-escalates tension mid-conflict. What matters is whether it is received, not how gracefully it is made.
Strength of evidence: seen more than once. Replicated observational or longitudinal work, not tested against a control.
Successful repair attempts are what separate stable couples from unstable ones.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict; Repair Attempts (a de-escalating move made mid-conflict).