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Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
Racing heart, tight chest, that is the signal. Step away, breathe, come back when steady.
God praises those who restrain their anger and pardon (Quran 3:134). Restraint is the pause you take before the words, not something you manage afterwards.
آل عمران
ٱلَّذِينَ يُنفِقُونَ فِي ٱلسَّرَّآءِ وَٱلضَّرَّآءِ وَٱلۡكَٰظِمِينَ ٱلۡغَيۡظَ وَٱلۡعَافِينَ عَنِ ٱلنَّاسِۗ وَٱللَّهُ يُحِبُّ ٱلۡمُحۡسِنِينَ
who give, both in prosperity and adversity, who restrain their anger and pardon people- God loves those who do good
Qur’an 3:134read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Gottman uses flooding for the point at which the body's stress response makes listening impossible, signalled by a racing heart and a tight chest. Naming it and stepping away lets the body settle so that words do less damage.
John M. Gottman; Nan Silver (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown
Principle 5, step 3, soothe yourself and each other. Once a partner is flooded, no productive conversation is possible. Gottman prescribes a break of at least twenty minutes spent genuinely distracted rather than rehearsing the grievance.
Levenson, R.; Gottman, J. (1983). Marital interaction: Physiological linkage and affective exchange.. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology doi
Physiological linkage during conflict predicts declining satisfaction.
Strength of evidence: seen more than once. Replicated observational or longitudinal work, not tested against a control.
Physiological soothing prevents the flooding that makes repair impossible.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict; self-soothing for flooding (name it, then take a real break).