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Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
Today, catch the first physical sign that you are escalating. Jaw tightening, chest heat, your voice getting faster. Not the third sign. The first. You cannot choose a response once you are past it.
The Prophet ﷺ described a man whose eyes reddened and whose neck veins swelled with rage, and taught what to say at exactly that moment. The tradition takes the body's signals seriously. The moment is physical before it is moral.
آل عمران
ٱلَّذِينَ يُنفِقُونَ فِي ٱلسَّرَّآءِ وَٱلضَّرَّآءِ وَٱلۡكَٰظِمِينَ ٱلۡغَيۡظَ وَٱلۡعَافِينَ عَنِ ٱلنَّاسِۗ وَٱللَّهُ يُحِبُّ ٱلۡمُحۡسِنِينَ
who give, both in prosperity and adversity, who restrain their anger and pardon people- God loves those who do good
Qur’an 3:134read it in the library
Sulaiman b. Surad said:Two men reviled each other in the presence of the Prophet (ﷺ). Then the eyes of one of them became red and his jugular veins swelled. The Apostle of Allah (ﷺ) said: I know a phrase by repeating which the man could get rid of the angry feelings: I seek refuge in Allah from the accursed devil. The man said: Do you see insanity in me
Sunan Abi Dawud 4781graded sound, albanithe Arabic and its grading
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Noticing is not the same as suppressing. You are buying yourself the option to choose.
Gottman, J.; Levenson, R. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health.. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology doi
Interaction patterns and physiological arousal predicting dissolution.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Physiological flooding degrades access to empathy, humour and complex reasoning. The window for choosing a response closes early, and the body signals it before conscious awareness does.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict.