Loading practices
Loading practices
Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
This dish is still here, not you never help. One moment can be fixed; a character cannot.
Do not speak ill of one another, and do not use offensive nicknames (Quran 49:11). The dish on the counter is a complaint; you never help is a name you have given the person.
البقرة
۞قَوۡلࣱ مَّعۡرُوفࣱ وَمَغۡفِرَةٌ خَيۡرࣱ مِّن صَدَقَةࣲ يَتۡبَعُهَآ أَذࣰ ىۗ وَٱللَّهُ غَنِيٌّ حَلِيمࣱ
A kind word and forgiveness is better than a charitable deed followed by hurtful [words]: God is self-sufficient, forbearing
Qur’an 2:263read it in the library
الحجرات
يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ لَا يَسۡخَرۡ قَوۡمࣱ مِّن قَوۡمٍ عَسَىٰٓ أَن يَكُونُواْ خَيۡرࣰ ا مِّنۡهُمۡ وَلَا نِسَآءࣱ مِّن نِّسَآءٍ عَسَىٰٓ أَن يَكُنَّ خَيۡرࣰ ا مِّنۡهُنَّۖ وَلَا تَلۡمِزُوٓاْ أَنفُسَكُمۡ وَلَا تَنَابَزُواْ بِٱلۡأَلۡقَٰبِۖ بِئۡسَ ٱلِٱسۡمُ ٱلۡفُسُوقُ بَعۡدَ ٱلۡإِيمَٰنِۚ وَمَن لَّمۡ يَتُبۡ فَأُوْلَٰٓئِكَ هُمُ ٱلظَّٰلِمُونَ
Believers, no one group of men should jeer at another, who may after all be better than them; no one group of women should jeer at another, who may after all be better than them; do not speak ill of one another; do not use offensive nicknames for one another. How bad it is to be called a mischief-maker after accepting faith! Those who do not repent of this behaviour are evildoers
Qur’an 49:11read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Gottman separates a complaint, which is about one act, from criticism, which is a verdict on the person and the first of his Four Horsemen. Keeping it to the specific moment leaves your partner something they can actually put right.
John M. Gottman; Nan Silver (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown
The Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. The antidotes are a gentle start-up, a culture of appreciation, taking responsibility for a part, and a physiological self-soothing break.
John M. Gottman; Nan Silver (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown
Principle 5, step 1, soften your start-up. A discussion ends on the note it began on. A complaint stated as I feel, about what, and what I need avoids the harsh start-up that predicts a failed conversation.
Strength of evidence: seen more than once. Replicated observational or longitudinal work, not tested against a control.
A complaint invites repair; criticism of character invites defence.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict; Four Horsemen, antidote to Criticism (a specific complaint, not a verdict on character).
Yield to win: give ground in a disagreement the way you would for someone you love, not as a defeat.
When you spot a fault in your partner, look for it in yourself; when you claim a virtue, look for it in them.
When a hard, barbed message comes at you, catch the bullet: absorb it without firing one back.