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Areas › Your marriage › Repair after rupture
Even ten percent. I was harsh, that was on me. Ownership without defence lets them soften.
Adam and his wife prayed, our Lord, we have wronged ourselves (Qur'an 7:23). Owning your part is the beginning of every repair.
الأعراف
قَالَا رَبَّنَا ظَلَمۡنَآ أَنفُسَنَا وَإِن لَّمۡ تَغۡفِرۡ لَنَا وَتَرۡحَمۡنَا لَنَكُونَنَّ مِنَ ٱلۡخَٰسِرِينَ
They replied, ‘Our Lord, we have wronged our souls: if You do not forgive us and have mercy, we shall be lost.’
Qur’an 7:23read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Defensiveness is one of Gottman's Four Horsemen and it works by returning the problem to sender. Owning your share cleanly, with nothing attached after it, is the antidote and is what lets your partner soften.
John M. Gottman; Nan Silver (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown
The Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. The antidotes are a gentle start-up, a culture of appreciation, taking responsibility for a part, and a physiological self-soothing break.
Strength of evidence: seen more than once. Replicated observational or longitudinal work, not tested against a control.
Taking responsibility disarms defensiveness and opens the door to repair.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict; Four Horsemen, antidote to Defensiveness (own your part with no but after it).