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Areas › Your marriage › Repair after rupture
Holding a debt they have already paid keeps the wound open to no one's good.
Even among your own family, the Qur'an says, if you overlook and forgive, God is forgiving and merciful. Releasing a debt they have already paid is that overlooking.
التغابن
يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوٓاْ إِنَّ مِنۡ أَزۡوَٰجِكُمۡ وَأَوۡلَٰدِكُمۡ عَدُوࣰّ ا لَّكُمۡ فَٱحۡذَرُوهُمۡۚ وَإِن تَعۡفُواْ وَتَصۡفَحُواْ وَتَغۡفِرُواْ فَإِنَّ ٱللَّهَ غَفُورࣱ رَّحِيمٌ
Believers, even among your spouses and your children you have some enemies- beware of them- but if you overlook their offences, forgive them, pardon them, then God is all forgiving, all merciful
Qur’an 64:14read it in the library
Explaining the Qur’anic verse “Hold to forgiveness”, `Abd Allah b. Al-Zubair said:The Prophet of Allah (ﷺ) was commanded to hold to forgiveness from the conduct of the people
Sunan Abi Dawud 4787graded sound, albanithe Arabic and its grading
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Holding a grievance they have already changed keeps the wound open to no one's good. Letting it go, once the harm has truly stopped, frees the bond from the past.
McNulty, J. (2011). The Dark Side of Forgiveness: The Tendency to Forgive Predicts Continued Psychological and Physical Aggression in Marriage. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin doi
CRITICAL boundary condition: forgiveness predicted continued aggression.
Strength of evidence: seen more than once. Replicated observational or longitudinal work, not tested against a control.
Releasing a settled grievance frees the bond from the past.
Forgiveness is healthy when the harm has truly stopped, not while it continues (McNulty).
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict; repair.