Loading practices
Loading practices
Areas › Your marriage › Rebuilding trust
Do not rush the hurt partner or defend yourself. Bear their anger and grief with patience; it is part of repair.
If a person is patient and forgives, this is one of the greatest things (Quran 42:43). Patiently bearing a partner's pain is part of that greatness.
الشورى
وَلَمَن صَبَرَ وَغَفَرَ إِنَّ ذَٰلِكَ لَمِنۡ عَزۡمِ ٱلۡأُمُورِ
though if a person is patient and forgives, this is one of the greatest things
Qur’an 42:43read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Gottman's atone phase requires the partner who caused the injury to hear the other's pain without defending or minimising, for as long as it takes. Being witnessed rather than managed is what the hurt partner needs.
John M. Gottman (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W. W. Norton
Atone, Attune, Attach. The betrayer atones without conditions and the hurt partner sets the pace; the couple then rebuilds attunement; and only then attachment. Skipping ahead to reconnection produces what Gottman calls cheap forgiveness.
John M. Gottman (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W. W. Norton
Attunement, spelled ATTUNE: Awareness of the partner's emotion, Turning toward it, Tolerance of two valid realities, Understanding, Non-defensive listening and Empathy. Stated negative emotion is a request for connection, to be answered before the content is addressed.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Listening to the injured partner's pain without defensiveness is what allows the wound to be witnessed and to heal.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Trust and Commitment; Affairs, Phase 1: Atone (listen non-defensively to the pain).
Deliberately hold your partner's good qualities in mind, and let cherishing crowd out resentful thoughts.
The partner who broke trust answers questions with complete transparency and hides nothing going forward.
Atonement is not only apology; it is changed behavior over time. Let your actions become the apology.