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Areas › Your marriage › Rebuilding trust
After trust is rebuilding, nurture cherishing: recall and dwell on what you value in them, on purpose.
Our Lord, give us joy in our spouses and offspring (Quran 25:74). Cherishing is tending that joy on purpose.
الفرقان
وَٱلَّذِينَ يَقُولُونَ رَبَّنَا هَبۡ لَنَا مِنۡ أَزۡوَٰجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّٰتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعۡيُنࣲ وَٱجۡعَلۡنَا لِلۡمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا
those who pray, ‘Our Lord, give us joy in our spouses and offspring. Make us good examples to those who are aware of You’
Qur’an 25:74read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
In Gottman's attach phase partners deliberately nurture cherishing, holding the other's good qualities in mind on purpose. Rehearsed grievance and rehearsed value both grow, so this is how the fondness betrayal eroded gets rebuilt.
John M. Gottman (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W. W. Norton
Atone, Attune, Attach. The betrayer atones without conditions and the hurt partner sets the pace; the couple then rebuilds attunement; and only then attachment. Skipping ahead to reconnection produces what Gottman calls cheap forgiveness.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Deliberately cultivating cherishing thoughts about a partner rebuilds the fondness that betrayal eroded.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Trust and Commitment; Affairs, Phase 3: Attach (cherishing).
Offer genuine remorse, not a rushed sorry. Sincere turning back is where the return begins.
If you caused the injury, acknowledge your partner's pain, own your part, and stay present with them; do not defend or flee.
Do not try to restore the old marriage. Build a new one, on honesty, transparency, and witnessing each other's truths.