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Areas › Your marriage › Shared spiritual life
Name the agreement and the shared aim first. Building from what you have in common makes the rest easier.
The believers conduct their affairs by mutual consultation (Quran 42:38). Consultation begins with what you already agree on, then works outwards.
آل عمران
قُلۡ يَٰٓأَهۡلَ ٱلۡكِتَٰبِ تَعَالَوۡاْ إِلَىٰ كَلِمَةࣲ سَوَآءِۭ بَيۡنَنَا وَبَيۡنَكُمۡ أَلَّا نَعۡبُدَ إِلَّا ٱللَّهَ وَلَا نُشۡرِكَ بِهِۦ شَيۡـࣰٔ ا وَلَا يَتَّخِذَ بَعۡضُنَا بَعۡضًا أَرۡبَابࣰ ا مِّن دُونِ ٱللَّهِۚ فَإِن تَوَلَّوۡاْ فَقُولُواْ ٱشۡهَدُواْ بِأَنَّا مُسۡلِمُونَ
Say, ‘People of the Book, let us arrive at a statement that is common to us all: we worship God alone, we ascribe no partner to Him, and none of us takes others beside God as lords.’ If they turn away, say, ‘Witness our devotion to Him.’
Qur’an 3:64read it in the library
الشورى
وَٱلَّذِينَ ٱسۡتَجَابُواْ لِرَبِّهِمۡ وَأَقَامُواْ ٱلصَّلَوٰةَ وَأَمۡرُهُمۡ شُورَىٰ بَيۡنَهُمۡ وَمِمَّا رَزَقۡنَٰهُمۡ يُنفِقُونَ
respond to their Lord; keep up the prayer; conduct their affairs by mutual consultation; give to others out of what We have provided for them
Qur’an 42:38read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Gottman's art of compromise starts from what you already agree on and what you both want, before the differences get worked out. Beginning on common ground keeps you allies solving a problem rather than opponents.
John M. Gottman; Nan Silver (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown
Principle 4, Let Your Partner Influence You. A marriage works when each partner yields on something in order to win the relationship, and a husband who refuses to accept influence is at high risk of the marriage ending.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Anchoring a negotiation in shared goals and agreement, before the differences, keeps the couple on the same side.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict; The Art of Compromise (Getting to Yes: common ground).