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Areas › Your marriage › Fondness and admiration
Contempt grows where appreciation is missing. Regular, sincere praise is the long-term antidote.
A kind word is better than a charitable deed followed by hurt (Quran 2:263). The kind word, given freely, is what keeps scorn from ever taking root.
البقرة
۞قَوۡلࣱ مَّعۡرُوفࣱ وَمَغۡفِرَةٌ خَيۡرࣱ مِّن صَدَقَةࣲ يَتۡبَعُهَآ أَذࣰ ىۗ وَٱللَّهُ غَنِيٌّ حَلِيمࣱ
A kind word and forgiveness is better than a charitable deed followed by hurtful [words]: God is self-sufficient, forbearing
Qur’an 2:263read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Gottman's long-term antidote to contempt is a culture of appreciation, since contempt takes hold where thanks and respect have faded. Expressing fondness regularly builds the reserve that keeps the sneer from appearing at all.
John M. Gottman; Nan Silver (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown
The Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. The antidotes are a gentle start-up, a culture of appreciation, taking responsibility for a part, and a physiological self-soothing break.
John M. Gottman; Nan Silver (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown
Principle 2, Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration. An active habit of appreciation is the antidote to contempt, which Gottman names the single greatest predictor of divorce. Fondness is rebuilt by rehearsing what is right about the partner rather than by waiting to feel it.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
A steady culture of appreciation crowds out contempt, the single strongest predictor of breakup.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict; Four Horsemen, antidote to Contempt (build a culture of appreciation).