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Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
Past a certain heat the body cannot hear reason. Stop, settle, and come back at the time you set.
God praises those who restrain their anger. Stopping the conversation while you are still too hot to hear anything is that restraint in practice.
البقرة
وَٱسۡتَعِينُواْ بِٱلصَّبۡرِ وَٱلصَّلَوٰةِۚ وَإِنَّهَا لَكَبِيرَةٌ إِلَّا عَلَى ٱلۡخَٰشِعِينَ
Seek help with steadfastness and prayer- though this is hard indeed for anyone but the humble
Qur’an 2:45read it in the library
آل عمران
ٱلَّذِينَ يُنفِقُونَ فِي ٱلسَّرَّآءِ وَٱلضَّرَّآءِ وَٱلۡكَٰظِمِينَ ٱلۡغَيۡظَ وَٱلۡعَافِينَ عَنِ ٱلنَّاسِۗ وَٱللَّهُ يُحِبُّ ٱلۡمُحۡسِنِينَ
who give, both in prosperity and adversity, who restrain their anger and pardon people- God loves those who do good
Qur’an 3:134read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Gottman found that once flooding sets in the body needs roughly twenty minutes to settle before either partner can listen properly. Agreeing on the break and on when you will return is what makes it a pause rather than a walkout.
John M. Gottman; Nan Silver (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown
Principle 5, step 3, soothe yourself and each other. Once a partner is flooded, no productive conversation is possible. Gottman prescribes a break of at least twenty minutes spent genuinely distracted rather than rehearsing the grievance.
Levenson, R.; Gottman, J. (1983). Marital interaction: Physiological linkage and affective exchange.. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology doi
Physiological linkage during conflict predicts declining satisfaction.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
The body's flooding chemistry needs about twenty minutes to clear before calm conversation is possible.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict; self-soothing for physiological flooding (DPA), the 20-minute break.