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Areas › Your marriage › Fondness and admiration
I love how gentle you were with the kids today. Spoken admiration builds a loving base; unspoken does not.
If you are thankful, I will give you more (Quran 14:7). Spoken gratitude for your partner tends to multiply the good it names.
إبراهيم
وَإِذۡ تَأَذَّنَ رَبُّكُمۡ لَئِن شَكَرۡتُمۡ لَأَزِيدَنَّكُمۡۖ وَلَئِن كَفَرۡتُمۡ إِنَّ عَذَابِي لَشَدِيدࣱ
Remember that He promised, “If you are thankful, I will give you more, but if you are thankless, My punishment is terrible indeed.” ’
Qur’an 14:7read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Gottman's fondness and admiration only protects a couple when it is expressed rather than merely felt. Naming a specific trait and the moment you saw it makes the praise credible, and it works directly against contempt.
John M. Gottman; Nan Silver (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown
Principle 2, Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration. An active habit of appreciation is the antidote to contempt, which Gottman names the single greatest predictor of divorce. Fondness is rebuilt by rehearsing what is right about the partner rather than by waiting to feel it.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Voicing admiration, rather than only feeling it, is what builds the fondness that protects a couple.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Share Fondness and Admiration (7-week guide).