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Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
Most perpetual conflicts never fully resolve. The task is dialogue and acceptance, not a final verdict.
Live with them in what is fair and kind, and if you dislike something in them, God may have put much good in it (Quran 4:19). Some differences are not faults waiting to be corrected.
النساء
يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ لَا يَحِلُّ لَكُمۡ أَن تَرِثُواْ ٱلنِّسَآءَ كَرۡهࣰ اۖ وَلَا تَعۡضُلُوهُنَّ لِتَذۡهَبُواْ بِبَعۡضِ مَآ ءَاتَيۡتُمُوهُنَّ إِلَّآ أَن يَأۡتِينَ بِفَٰحِشَةࣲ مُّبَيِّنَةࣲۚ وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِٱلۡمَعۡرُوفِۚ فَإِن كَرِهۡتُمُوهُنَّ فَعَسَىٰٓ أَن تَكۡرَهُواْ شَيۡـࣰٔ ا وَيَجۡعَلَ ٱللَّهُ فِيهِ خَيۡرࣰ ا كَثِيرࣰ ا
You who believe, it is not lawful for you to inherit women against their will, nor should you treat your wives harshly, hoping to take back some of the bride-gift you gave them, unless they are guilty of something clearly outrageous. Live with them in accordance with what is fair and kind: if you dislike them, it may well be that you dislike something in which God has put much good
Qur’an 4:19read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Gottman found that roughly two thirds of couple conflicts are perpetual, resting on enduring differences in personality and needs. The healthy response is continuing dialogue and acceptance rather than a campaign to change the other person.
John M. Gottman; Nan Silver (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown
Principle 6, Overcome Gridlock. Roughly two thirds of marital conflict is perpetual, rooted in enduring differences of personality or need. The goal is to move from gridlock to dialogue, not to solve it.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Accepting enduring personality differences, rather than fighting to erase them, defuses most perpetual conflict.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict (perpetual problems, accept enduring differences).