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Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
Silent withdrawal makes it worse. Name that you are overwhelmed, take twenty minutes, then re-engage.
Speak in a direct fashion and to good purpose (Quran 33:70). I am overwhelmed and need twenty minutes is direct speech, and it does more good than silence.
الأحزاب
يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ ٱتَّقُواْ ٱللَّهَ وَقُولُواْ قَوۡلࣰ ا سَدِيدࣰ ا
Believers, be mindful of God, speak in a direct fashion and to good purpose
Qur’an 33:70read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Stonewalling is Gottman's fourth horseman, going silent while still present, and it usually means the body is flooded. Saying you are overwhelmed, taking twenty minutes and then re-engaging is the constructive alternative to disappearing on the spot.
John M. Gottman; Nan Silver (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown
The Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. The antidotes are a gentle start-up, a culture of appreciation, taking responsibility for a part, and a physiological self-soothing break.
John M. Gottman; Nan Silver (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown
Principle 5, step 3, soothe yourself and each other. Once a partner is flooded, no productive conversation is possible. Gottman prescribes a break of at least twenty minutes spent genuinely distracted rather than rehearsing the grievance.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Naming your need for a break, rather than silently withdrawing, prevents the damaging stonewalling spiral.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict; Four Horsemen, antidote to Stonewalling (self-soothing break).