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Areas › Your marriage › Listening and understanding
Not out of politeness, but because you truly want to know. Small check-ins build trust over time.
Speak good words to all people (Quran 2:83). A kind, caring question is among the good words that keep a bond warm.
البقرة
وَإِذۡ أَخَذۡنَا مِيثَٰقَ بَنِيٓ إِسۡرَٰٓءِيلَ لَا تَعۡبُدُونَ إِلَّا ٱللَّهَ وَبِٱلۡوَٰلِدَيۡنِ إِحۡسَانࣰ ا وَذِي ٱلۡقُرۡبَىٰ وَٱلۡيَتَٰمَىٰ وَٱلۡمَسَٰكِينِ وَقُولُواْ لِلنَّاسِ حُسۡنࣰ ا وَأَقِيمُواْ ٱلصَّلَوٰةَ وَءَاتُواْ ٱلزَّكَوٰةَ ثُمَّ تَوَلَّيۡتُمۡ إِلَّا قَلِيلࣰ ا مِّنكُمۡ وَأَنتُم مُّعۡرِضُونَ
Remember when We took a pledge from the Children of Israel: ‘Worship none but God; be good to your parents and kinsfolk, to orphans and the poor; speak good words to all people; keep up the prayer and pay the prescribed alms.’ Then all but a few of you turned away and paid no heed
Qur’an 2:83read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Gottman's attunement work starts with regular, genuine interest in how your partner is doing. A daily check-in that actually wants an answer is a small deposit that builds trust over time.
John M. Gottman (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W. W. Norton
Attunement, spelled ATTUNE: Awareness of the partner's emotion, Turning toward it, Tolerance of two valid realities, Understanding, Non-defensive listening and Empathy. Stated negative emotion is a request for connection, to be answered before the content is addressed.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Regular, genuine interest in a partner's inner world steadily deepens intimacy and trust.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Turn Toward Instead of Away (Attunement); from the How to Be a Great Listener guide.
Hold your advice until you fully understand, or until it is asked for. Understanding always comes before solutions.
Say back what you heard, then validate: I hear you saying this, and it makes sense you would feel that way.
When your partner is angry, do not take it personally or rush to apologize. Ask what the anger is protecting.