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Areas › Your marriage › Listening and understanding
Validation is not agreement. It is showing you understand even part of their experience.
Repel evil with what is better, and your enemy becomes a close friend (Quran 41:34). A validating word is the better thing that turns the moment.
فصلت
وَلَا تَسۡتَوِي ٱلۡحَسَنَةُ وَلَا ٱلسَّيِّئَةُۚ ٱدۡفَعۡ بِٱلَّتِي هِيَ أَحۡسَنُ فَإِذَا ٱلَّذِي بَيۡنَكَ وَبَيۡنَهُۥ عَدَٰوَةࣱ كَأَنَّهُۥ وَلِيٌّ حَمِيمࣱ
Good and evil cannot be equal. [Prophet], repel evil with what is better and your enemy will become as close as an old and valued friend
Qur’an 41:34read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Gottman's attunement pairs saying back what you heard with validating it, that it makes sense they would feel that way. Validation is not agreement, and it reliably brings a partner's distress down.
John M. Gottman (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W. W. Norton
Attunement, spelled ATTUNE: Awareness of the partner's emotion, Turning toward it, Tolerance of two valid realities, Understanding, Non-defensive listening and Empathy. Stated negative emotion is a request for connection, to be answered before the content is addressed.
Shenk, C. and Fruzzetti, A. E. (2011). The impact of validating and invalidating responses on emotional reactivity. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology doi
Validating responses lower emotional arousal, while invalidating responses increase it.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Reflecting back and validating a partner's feeling measurably lowers their distress and deepens trust.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Turn Toward (Attunement, reflect and validate); How to Be a Great Listener.