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Areas › Your marriage › Listening and understanding
Their reality has its own validity. Start by looking for why it makes sense, not why it is wrong.
Why did the believers not think well of their own people? (Quran 24:12). The gentle default is to assume the best of the one you love.
النور
لَّوۡلَآ إِذۡ سَمِعۡتُمُوهُ ظَنَّ ٱلۡمُؤۡمِنُونَ وَٱلۡمُؤۡمِنَٰتُ بِأَنفُسِهِمۡ خَيۡرࣰ ا وَقَالُواْ هَٰذَآ إِفۡكࣱ مُّبِينࣱ
When you heard the lie, why did believing men and women not think well of their own people and declare, ‘This is obviously a lie’
Qur’an 24:12read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Gottman's attunement starts from the assumption that your partner has a good reason for feeling as they do. Looking for why their reality makes sense, before judging it, lowers defensiveness and opens them up.
John M. Gottman (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W. W. Norton
Attunement, spelled ATTUNE: Awareness of the partner's emotion, Turning toward it, Tolerance of two valid realities, Understanding, Non-defensive listening and Empathy. Stated negative emotion is a request for connection, to be answered before the content is addressed.
Shenk, C. and Fruzzetti, A. E. (2011). The impact of validating and invalidating responses on emotional reactivity. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology doi
Validating responses lower emotional arousal, while invalidating responses increase it.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Granting that a partner's view makes sense, before judging it, lowers defensiveness and opens them up.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Turn Toward (Attunement, take partner's perspective); How to Be a Great Listener.
Hold your advice until you fully understand, or until it is asked for. Understanding always comes before solutions.
When your partner is afraid, do not minimize it or reassure it away. Ask what is making them feel unsafe.
Take your love needs to your partner, not outside the relationship. Going outside almost always makes it worse.