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Areas › Your marriage › Listening and understanding
To a fearful person, do not worry can feel like ridicule. Take the fear seriously and understand it.
Do not be afraid, I am with you, hearing and seeing everything (Quran 20:46). Presence, not dismissal, is what answers fear.
طه
قَالَ لَا تَخَافَآۖ إِنَّنِي مَعَكُمَآ أَسۡمَعُ وَأَرَىٰ
He said, ‘Do not be afraid, I am with you both, hearing and seeing everything
Qur’an 20:46read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Gottman's advice for fear is not to minimise it or reassure it away, but to ask what is making them feel unsafe. Reassurance that skips understanding tells a frightened partner their concern is silly.
John M. Gottman (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W. W. Norton
Attunement, spelled ATTUNE: Awareness of the partner's emotion, Turning toward it, Tolerance of two valid realities, Understanding, Non-defensive listening and Empathy. Stated negative emotion is a request for connection, to be answered before the content is addressed.
Cohen, S. and Wills, T. A. (1985). Stress, social support, and the buffering hypothesis. Psychological Bulletin doi
Perceived social support buffers individuals against the harmful impact of stressful life events.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Taking a partner's fear seriously, rather than dismissing it, is what helps them feel safe.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Turn Toward (listening to fear); How to Be a Great Listener.
When your partner is sad, do not try to cheer them up or fix it. Find out what is lost or missing.
When your partner talks, shift the focus off yourself. It is not about being interesting, it is about being interested.
Once a day, take your partner's emotional temperature. Ask how are you doing, and mean it.