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Areas › Your marriage › Listening and understanding
Tell me the story of that opens the heart. Follow up on what you hear instead of waiting to talk.
Those who listen to what is said and follow what is best are the people of understanding (Quran 39:18). Real listening is honoured as understanding.
الزمر
ٱلَّذِينَ يَسۡتَمِعُونَ ٱلۡقَوۡلَ فَيَتَّبِعُونَ أَحۡسَنَهُۥٓۚ أُوْلَٰٓئِكَ ٱلَّذِينَ هَدَىٰهُمُ ٱللَّهُۖ وَأُوْلَٰٓئِكَ هُمۡ أُوْلُواْ ٱلۡأَلۡبَٰبِ
who listen to what is said and follow what is best. These are the ones God has guided; these are the people of understanding
Qur’an 39:18read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
The attune step of Gottman's listening method runs on open questions and real follow-up rather than yes or no prompts. Questions that invite a story are how you learn a partner's inner world.
John M. Gottman (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W. W. Norton
Attunement, spelled ATTUNE: Awareness of the partner's emotion, Turning toward it, Tolerance of two valid realities, Understanding, Non-defensive listening and Empathy. Stated negative emotion is a request for connection, to be answered before the content is addressed.
John M. Gottman; Nan Silver (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown
Principle 1, Enhance Your Love Map. Emotionally intelligent couples keep a detailed internal map of the partner's world, their worries, hopes, history and daily pressures, and that stored knowledge is what keeps them oriented to each other when life changes.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Open-ended questions and real follow-up draw a partner out and signal that you actually want to understand.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Turn Toward (Attunement, ATTUNE step: open-ended questions); How to Be a Great Listener.
Under every complaint or hard feeling there is a longing. Listen for the wish underneath.
When your partner talks, shift the focus off yourself. It is not about being interesting, it is about being interested.
Take your love needs to your partner, not outside the relationship. Going outside almost always makes it worse.