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Areas › Your marriage › Listening and understanding
Postpone your own agenda for a while. Tune into their world before you bring yours.
The people of understanding are those who listen to what is said and follow what is best (Quran 39:18). Being interested rather than interesting is what that listening looks like at home.
الزمر
ٱلَّذِينَ يَسۡتَمِعُونَ ٱلۡقَوۡلَ فَيَتَّبِعُونَ أَحۡسَنَهُۥٓۚ أُوْلَٰٓئِكَ ٱلَّذِينَ هَدَىٰهُمُ ٱللَّهُۖ وَأُوْلَٰٓئِكَ هُمۡ أُوْلُواْ ٱلۡأَلۡبَٰبِ
who listen to what is said and follow what is best. These are the ones God has guided; these are the people of understanding
Qur’an 39:18read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Gottman's listening guidance asks you to set your own agenda aside before you attend to your partner's. Being interested rather than interesting is what makes a partner feel heard, which matters more to them than being agreed with.
John M. Gottman (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W. W. Norton
Attunement, spelled ATTUNE: Awareness of the partner's emotion, Turning toward it, Tolerance of two valid realities, Understanding, Non-defensive listening and Empathy. Stated negative emotion is a request for connection, to be answered before the content is addressed.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Setting your own agenda aside to attend fully to your partner is what makes them feel truly heard.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Turn Toward (Attunement, PREPARE step); How to Be a Great Listener.