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Areas › Your marriage › Repair after rupture
I was stressed, I was short, I did not listen. Taking responsibility is the fastest road to repair.
Uphold justice and bear witness even against yourselves (Quran 4:135). Honest ownership of your part is justice turned inward.
النساء
۞يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ كُونُواْ قَوَّٰمِينَ بِٱلۡقِسۡطِ شُهَدَآءَ لِلَّهِ وَلَوۡ عَلَىٰٓ أَنفُسِكُمۡ أَوِ ٱلۡوَٰلِدَيۡنِ وَٱلۡأَقۡرَبِينَۚ إِن يَكُنۡ غَنِيًّا أَوۡ فَقِيرࣰ ا فَٱللَّهُ أَوۡلَىٰ بِهِمَاۖ فَلَا تَتَّبِعُواْ ٱلۡهَوَىٰٓ أَن تَعۡدِلُواْۚ وَإِن تَلۡوُۥٓاْ أَوۡ تُعۡرِضُواْ فَإِنَّ ٱللَّهَ كَانَ بِمَا تَعۡمَلُونَ خَبِيرࣰ ا
You who believe, uphold justice and bear witness to God, even if it is against yourselves, your parents, or your close relatives. Whether the person is rich or poor, God can best take care of both. Refrain from following your own desire, so that you can act justly- if you distort or neglect justice, God is fully aware of what you do
Qur’an 4:135read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Step four of Gottman's Aftermath of a Fight is taking responsibility, saying what set you up and what you regret. Even a partial, sincere ownership de-escalates faster than any defence and invites the same in return.
John M. Gottman (1999). The Marriage Clinic: A Scientifically Based Marital Therapy. W. W. Norton
The Aftermath of a Fight. A regrettable incident is processed only once both partners are calm, in order: each states how they felt, each states their subjective reality and the other validates it, earlier triggers are named, each takes responsibility for a part, and together they name one constructive plan.
John M. Gottman; Nan Silver (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown
The Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. The antidotes are a gentle start-up, a culture of appreciation, taking responsibility for a part, and a physiological self-soothing break.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Acknowledging your own contribution, even partially, disarms defensiveness and opens the way to repair.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict; Aftermath of a Fight, Step 4: Take Responsibility.