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Areas › Your marriage › Repair after rupture
One concrete plan each, offered and accepted, turns a fight into something you both learn from.
The believers are brothers, so make peace between them (Quran 49:10). A shared plan is peace made practical.
الحجرات
إِنَّمَا ٱلۡمُؤۡمِنُونَ إِخۡوَةࣱ فَأَصۡلِحُواْ بَيۡنَ أَخَوَيۡكُمۡۚ وَٱتَّقُواْ ٱللَّهَ لَعَلَّكُمۡ تُرۡحَمُونَ
The believers are brothers, so make peace between your two brothers and be mindful of God, so that you may be given mercy
Qur’an 49:10read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Step five of Gottman's Aftermath of a Fight asks each partner for one concrete thing they will do differently, and for the other to receive it graciously. Repair holds when it turns into a plan rather than a feeling.
John M. Gottman (1999). The Marriage Clinic: A Scientifically Based Marital Therapy. W. W. Norton
The Aftermath of a Fight. A regrettable incident is processed only once both partners are calm, in order: each states how they felt, each states their subjective reality and the other validates it, earlier triggers are named, each takes responsibility for a part, and together they name one constructive plan.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Agreeing on one small change each makes repair concrete and lowers the odds of the same fight recurring.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict; Aftermath of a Fight, Step 5: Constructive Plans.