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Areas › Your marriage › Answering bids
Many reaches are quiet. Tune to the small signals and turn toward one you would have passed.
We are closer to him than his jugular vein (Qur'an 50:16). God attends to the faintest of us; attending to a faint reach is a share of that care.
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وَلَقَدۡ خَلَقۡنَا ٱلۡإِنسَٰنَ وَنَعۡلَمُ مَا تُوَسۡوِسُ بِهِۦ نَفۡسُهُۥۖ وَنَحۡنُ أَقۡرَبُ إِلَيۡهِ مِنۡ حَبۡلِ ٱلۡوَرِيدِ
We created man––We know what his soul whispers to him: We are closer to him than his jugular vein––
Qur’an 50:16read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Gottman found that most turning away is inattention rather than refusal, because many bids are quiet ones like a sigh, a pause or a look. Catching one you would normally miss closes a gap neither of you had noticed opening.
John M. Gottman; Nan Silver (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown
Principle 3, Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away. Romance is built in the ordinary moment when one partner makes a small bid and the other turns toward it. The running total of those turnings, not the grand gesture, is what fills the emotional bank account.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Noticing subtle bids prevents the slow starvation of turning away without meaning to.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Turn Toward Instead of Away; noticing subtle bids (turning away without meaning to).