Practices

Every practice in the library, in one list. Narrow it by how long you have, who it is written for, and where you are right now.

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11 practices

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Anger sends people back to the thing they had stopped, and the thing they had stopped makes the anger worse. Any plan that treats these as two separate projects tends to come apart.

Write anger into the relapse plan by name, alongside the parties, the old friends and the difficult anniversary. Then when you look at the anger, ask…

Twenty minutesAnger, alcohol and the bodyMedical and treatmentQur’an 2:168One line of research

A break only counts if you come back. Notice the anger, leave the room, actually settle yourself, then return and finish the conversation.

Most people manage the leaving and skip the settling, so they spend twenty minutes rehearsing their case and come back more wound up than when they…

Twenty minutesChoosing your responseGottmanQur’an 2:153One line of research

You may need to leave and come back two or three times before one conversation is finished. That is normal, not a sign that the skill is not working.

Bodies come down slowly. You can feel steady enough to return, sit down, hear one sentence and be right back at the top again. Knowing that in…

Twenty minutesChoosing your responseGottmanQur’an 3:186One line of research

Anger numbs. If it is doing the work of a painkiller for you, it will be hard to put down while the pain underneath is still untreated.

Ask what tends to be there in the half hour before you flare: a bit of shame, feeling small, an old fear about being left. The anger often arrives to…

Twenty minutesCool the body firstCoreQur’an 94:1One line of research

There is more about anger than the practices: the anger area has the themes and the courses too.

If the irritability came in alongside a low patch, or a spell of racing thoughts and hardly any sleep, have the mood looked at rather than treating the temper on its own.

Irritability is part of depression, and it belongs to the mixed and elevated states of bipolar disorder too. Anger skills are still worth having, and…

Twenty minutesCool the body firstBody basedQur’an 78:9One line of research

Shouting it out does not empty the tank. Going over it loudly, in your head or at somebody, tends to keep the anger topped up rather than draining it.

There is a difference between letting pressure out of the body and rehearsing the grievance. A walk, a swim, hard cleaning, prayer: all of that…

Twenty minutesCool the body firstBody basedQur’an 89:27One line of research

Anger leaves fuel in the body with nowhere to go. Spend it on something physical, without replaying the argument while you do.

This is not getting it off your chest. The target is the surplus energy, so stairs, a brisk walk, or a hard ten minutes of almost anything will do…

Twenty minutesCool the body firstBody basedQur’an 28:73One line of research

The aim is not to become someone with no force in them. It is to get a harness on the force and point it at something worth doing.

Anger usually knows something true: this was unfair, this matters to me, this cannot carry on. Keep that part and drop the delivery. The energy can…

Twenty minutesEquanimity and perspectiveCoreQur’an 12:86One line of research

Anger feels righteous while it lasts. The useful moment comes later, when the regret shows up and the story has gone quiet.

Nobody changes course mid-shout, and pressing then only adds fuel. Hours or a day afterwards there is usually a stretch where a person is…

Twenty minutesWhat anger actually isCoreQur’an 21:87One line of research

Live under enough strain for long enough and anger stops being an event. It settles into a new normal, and it can feel as though your character has changed.

Ask what has been running in the background: money, pain, night shifts, a job that grinds, somebody ill at home. When those ease the baseline often…

Twenty minutesWhat anger actually isCoreQur’an 7:43One line of research

A small child works out how to feel about itself by looking at its parents' faces. If that face was missing, or busy, the looking does not stop, it just moves on to teachers, coaches, friends and strangers.

It is part of why being disrespected can feel so much larger than the moment deserves. Some of that old search is still running. The work is slow and…

Twenty minutesWhat you are actually defendingCoreQur’an 50:16One line of research