Areas › Yourself and your limits

Yourself and your limits

Saying no, asking for something, and holding a line are skills, not personality. So is speaking to yourself the way you would speak to someone you love.

What works for this

Compassion focused therapy

Self esteem is the problem rather than the goal, because it needs a favourable verdict on you and therefore needs somebody to lose. Self compassion is the replacement, and it does not require you to come out ahead of anybody.

One move, today

Say to yourself what you would say to a friend in the same position, in the same tone. If that sounds indulgent, notice that you do not think so when it is them.

What matches

3 practices

Narrow these down

Be firm and warm at once: gentle tone, steady eyes, clear ask. Neither doormat nor bulldozer.

Softness of manner and firmness of content are not opposites. Hold the point kindly.

A minuteAsk and say no wellDBT skillsQur’an 31:19One line of research

A kind, clear no is a full answer. You can decline without a long defence.

You do not owe a case file for every no. Warm, brief, and firm is enough.

A minuteHold a boundaryDBT skillsQur’an 7:199One line of research

Every yes you do not mean spends a yes you do. Guard what you commit to.

Saying yes to everything is a slow way of letting yourself down. Protect your real priorities.

A minuteHold a boundaryDBT skillsQur’an 2:195One line of research

Learn this in order

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