Lesson 6 of 6 · When grief has become something else
If one thing stays with you
Let it be this.
Grief is not a staircase and there is no step you were supposed to have reached. The crossing back and forth is what grieving is made of, and the wave that arrives eight months later is a crossing and not a collapse.
Patience is not dry eyes. The person who taught us patience wept at his own son's death and called it mercy, and said that the eyes weep and the heart grieves and we say nothing except what pleases our Lord. On another day, over another dying child, he put it further. Mercy which Allah has lodged in the hearts of His slaves. Not something you failed to suppress. Something He put there.
And you do not have to let go of them. Dua for them, charity in their name, and saying their name out loud are not symptoms. They are the connection continuing, in the way the religion already gave you.
Qur’an and Sunnah
The person who taught us patience wept at his own son's death and called it mercy, and said that the eyes weep and the heart grieves and we say nothing except what pleases our Lord.
Narrated Anas bin Malik:We went with Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) to the blacksmith Abu Saif, and he was the husband of the wet-nurse of Ibrahim (the son of the Prophet). Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) took Ibrahim and kissed him and smelled him and later we entered Abu Saif's house and at that time Ibrahim was in his last breaths, and the eyes of Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) started shedding tears. `Abdur Rahman bin `Auf said, "O Allah's Apostle, even you are weeping!" He said, "O Ibn `Auf, this is mercy." Then he wept more and said, "The eyes are shedding tears and the heart is grieved, and we will not say except what pleases our Lord, O Ibrahim ! Indeed we are grieved by your separation
Sahih al-Bukhari 1303graded sound, sahihaynthe Arabic and its grading
On another day, over another dying grandchild, he put it further: this is mercy which Allah has lodged in the hearts of His slaves. Not something you failed to suppress. Something He put there.
Narrated Usama bin Zaid:The daughter of the Prophet (ﷺ) sent (a messenger) to the Prophet (ﷺ) requesting him to come as her child was dying (or was gasping), but the Prophet (ﷺ) returned the messenger and told him to convey his greeting to her and say: "Whatever Allah takes is for Him and whatever He gives, is for Him, and everything with Him has a limited fixed term (in this world) and so she should be patient and hope for Allah's reward." She again sent for him, swearing that he should come. The Prophet (ﷺ) got up, and so did Sa`d bin 'Ubada, Mu`adh bin Jabal, Ubai bin Ka`b, Zaid bin Thabit and some other men. The child was brought to Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) while his breath was disturbed in his chest (the sub-narrator thinks that Usama added: ) as if it was a leather water-skin. On that the eyes of the Prophet (ﷺ) started shedding tears. Sa`d said, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)! What is this?" He replied, "It is mercy which Allah has lodged in the hearts of His slaves, and Allah is merciful only to those of His slaves who are merciful (to others)
Sahih al-Bukhari 1284graded sound, sahihaynthe Arabic and its grading
A man asked whether he could give charity on behalf of his mother, who had died suddenly, and was told yes. Charity in their name is not a symptom. It is the connection continuing, in the way the religion already gave you.
Narrated `Aisha:A man said to the Prophet, "My mother died suddenly, and I think that if she could speak, she would have given in charity. May I give in charity on her behalf?" He said, "Yes! Give in charity on her behalf
Sahih al-Bukhari 2760graded sound, sahihaynthe Arabic and its grading