Lesson 2 of 6 · Why it comes back in waves
Two kinds of activity, and you need both
Researchers who watched what bereaved people actually do, rather than what they were supposed to do, found two different kinds of activity.
One is facing the loss. Remembering, crying, longing, looking at photographs, going through their things, making dua for them, talking about them, missing them in a way that hurts.
The other is dealing with the changed world. New tasks. Jobs they used to do that are now yours. Going back to work. Seeing people. Being distracted. Ordinary Tuesdays. Things that make you laugh.
The second one is not a betrayal and it is not avoidance. It is half of what grieving actually consists of, and nobody gives you permission for it, so you have to be told.
What the research says
The two kinds of activity in this step are the two halves of a model of grieving: facing the loss itself, and dealing with everything the loss changed. Moving between them is what coping looks like, not a failure to stay with one.
The two kinds of activity in this step are the two halves of this model. Loss oriented activity is facing the death itself and restoration oriented activity is dealing with everything the death changed. It was put forward as a description of how bereaved people cope rather than as a treatment, and nothing in it prescribes how much time either side should get.
Stroebe M, Schut H (1999). The dual process model of coping with bereavement: rationale and description. Death Studies, 23(3), 197 to 224 doi