Lesson 4 of 6 · The boundary that is not a rupture
What is asked of you, and what is not yours to carry
Four things next to each other. The Qur'an says that nobody carries another person's load, and that nobody is burdened beyond what they can bear.
One of those verses closes the door on the arrangement by name. None of a heavily laden soul's load will be carried, it says, not even by a close relative. If you have spent years being treated as the person responsible for a parent's happiness, that is your arrangement described and refused, with the relative written into the sentence. It is not a permission to withdraw and you should not read it as one. It is a statement about what one person can carry for another, which is the thing you have been failing at while believing the failure was yours.
Then two reports that pull in what looks like opposite directions and do not. The first raises the bar on you: the one who truly maintains ties is not the one who repays good with good, but the one who keeps the tie with relatives who have cut him off. Read plainly, that asks more of you, not less.
The second is a man who told the Prophet that he keeps ties with relatives who cut him off, treats them well while they treat him badly, and the answer he got was that if it is as he says, he is as though feeding them hot ashes, and an angel remains with him against them as long as he continues. Notice what is not in that answer. He is not told he has failed, and he is not told to go back and try harder to be understood. He is told where he already stands. And notice what it is not: it is not a ruling on how many hours he owes them, and nobody should turn it into one.
Qur’an and Sunnah
God does not burden any soul with more than it can bear. Nobody is burdened beyond what they can carry, the second of four things placed side by side here.
لَا يُكَلِّفُ ٱللَّهُ نَفۡسًا إِلَّا وُسۡعَهَاۚ لَهَا مَا كَسَبَتۡ وَعَلَيۡهَا مَا ٱكۡتَسَبَتۡۗ رَبَّنَا لَا تُؤَاخِذۡنَآ إِن نَّسِينَآ أَوۡ أَخۡطَأۡنَاۚ رَبَّنَا وَلَا تَحۡمِلۡ عَلَيۡنَآ إِصۡرࣰ ا كَمَا حَمَلۡتَهُۥ عَلَى ٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبۡلِنَاۚ رَبَّنَا وَلَا تُحَمِّلۡنَا مَا لَا طَاقَةَ لَنَا بِهِۦۖ وَٱعۡفُ عَنَّا وَٱغۡفِرۡ لَنَا وَٱرۡحَمۡنَآۚ أَنتَ مَوۡلَىٰنَا فَٱنصُرۡنَا عَلَى ٱلۡقَوۡمِ ٱلۡكَٰفِرِينَ
God does not burden any soul with more than it can bear: each gains whatever good it has done, and suffers its bad- ‘ Lord, do not take us to task if we forget or make mistakes. Lord, do not burden us as You burdened those before us. Lord, do not burden us with more than we have strength to bear. Pardon us, forgive us, and have mercy on us. You are our Protector, so help us against the disbelievers.’
Qur’an 2:286
The first of the four placed next to each other. Nobody carries another person's load.
قُلۡ أَغَيۡرَ ٱللَّهِ أَبۡغِي رَبࣰّ ا وَهُوَ رَبُّ كُلِّ شَيۡءࣲۚ وَلَا تَكۡسِبُ كُلُّ نَفۡسٍ إِلَّا عَلَيۡهَاۚ وَلَا تَزِرُ وَازِرَةࣱ وِزۡرَ أُخۡرَىٰۚ ثُمَّ إِلَىٰ رَبِّكُم مَّرۡجِعُكُمۡ فَيُنَبِّئُكُم بِمَا كُنتُمۡ فِيهِ تَخۡتَلِفُونَ
Say, ‘Should I seek a Lord other than God, when He is the Lord of all things?’ Each soul is responsible for its own actions; no soul will bear the burden of another. You will all return to your Lord in the end, and He will tell you the truth about your differences
Qur’an 6:164
This closes the door on the arrangement by name, with the relative written into the sentence. Be careful about what that is not. It is not a permission to withdraw and should not be read as one. It is a statement about what one person can carry for another.
وَلَا تَزِرُ وَازِرَةࣱ وِزۡرَ أُخۡرَىٰۚ وَإِن تَدۡعُ مُثۡقَلَةٌ إِلَىٰ حِمۡلِهَا لَا يُحۡمَلۡ مِنۡهُ شَيۡءࣱ وَلَوۡ كَانَ ذَا قُرۡبَىٰٓۗ إِنَّمَا تُنذِرُ ٱلَّذِينَ يَخۡشَوۡنَ رَبَّهُم بِٱلۡغَيۡبِ وَأَقَامُواْ ٱلصَّلَوٰةَۚ وَمَن تَزَكَّىٰ فَإِنَّمَا يَتَزَكَّىٰ لِنَفۡسِهِۦۚ وَإِلَى ٱللَّهِ ٱلۡمَصِيرُ
No burdened soul will bear the burden of another: even if a heavily laden soul should cry for help, none of its load will be carried, not even by a close relative. But you [Prophet] can only warn those who fear their Lord, though they cannot see Him, and keep up the prayer- whoever purifies himself does so for his own benefit–– everything returns to God
Qur’an 35:18
The one who maintains the tie is not the one who repays good with good, but the one who keeps it up with a relative who has cut him off. Read plainly, that raises the bar on you rather than lowering it. It asks more, not less.
Narrated `Abdullah bin `Amr:The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Al-Wasil is not the one who recompenses the good done to him by his relatives, but Al-Wasil is the one who keeps good relations with those relatives who had severed the bond of kinship with him
Sahih al-Bukhari 5991graded sound, sahihaynthe Arabic and its grading
The second, and notice what is not in the answer. He is not told he has failed, and he is not told to go back and try harder to be understood. He is told where he already stands. What it is not: a ruling on how many hours he owes them, and nobody should turn it into one.
Abu Huraira reported that a person said:Allah's Messenger, I have relatives with whom I try, to have close relationship, but they sever (this relation). I treat them well, but they treat me ill. I am sweet to them but they are harsh towards me. Upon this he (the Holy Prophet) said: If it is so as you say, then you in fact throw hot ashes (upon their faces) and there would always remain with you on behalf of Allah (an Angel to support you) who would keep you dominant over them so long as you adhere to this (path of righteousness)
Sahih Muslim 2558graded sound, sahihaynthe Arabic and its grading
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.