Loading practices
Loading practices
Areas › Your marriage › Answering bids
The next time your spouse tells you something good, do not just say "that's great." Ask about it. How did it happen? What did you say? How did it feel? Let them tell it twice.
The Prophet ﷺ said that none of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself. To be genuinely glad at another person's good, not merely polite about it, is that love made visible, and your spouse is the nearest person to whom it is owed.
الروم
وَمِنۡ ءَايَٰتِهِۦٓ أَنۡ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنۡ أَنفُسِكُمۡ أَزۡوَٰجࣰ ا لِّتَسۡكُنُوٓاْ إِلَيۡهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيۡنَكُم مَّوَدَّةࣰ وَرَحۡمَةًۚ إِنَّ فِي ذَٰلِكَ لَأٓيَٰتࣲ لِّقَوۡمࣲ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ
Another of His signs is that He created spouses from among yourselves for you to live with in tranquillity: He ordained love and kindness between you. There truly are signs in this for those who reflect
Qur’an 30:21read it in the library
Narrated Anas: The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "None of you will have faith till he wishes for his (Muslim) brother what he likes for himself
Sahih al-Bukhari 13graded sound, sahihaynthe Arabic and its grading
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Their good news is an invitation. Taking it up is a small act with a long reach.
Gable, S.L.; Reis, H.T.; Impett, E.A.; Asher, E.R. (2004). What Do You Do When Things Go Right? The Intrapersonal and Interpersonal Benefits of Shari. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology doi
Capitalization: only active-constructive responding produces benefit.
Gable, S.; Gonzaga, G.; Strachman, A. (2006). Will you be there for me when things go right? Supportive responses to positive event disclosures.. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology doi
Responses to good news predict relationship satisfaction and longevity.
Strength of evidence: seen more than once. Replicated observational or longitudinal work, not tested against a control.
Research on how couples respond to each other's positive events finds that only active, curious, enthusiastic responding predicts higher satisfaction and commitment. Passive or dismissive responses, even friendly ones, do not.
Most of us have learned to be present for a partner's bad news. Far fewer of us are practised at their good news, and there is reason to think the second may matter more. Four things can happen when someone shares something good: you can be enthusiastic and curious, quietly pleased, dismissive, or you can hijack it. Only the first predicts a stronger relationship. The other three, including the mild and well-meaning "that's nice, love," are all associated with weaker ones. What makes the difference is not the warmth but the elaboration: asking them to tell it again, in more detail, while you are visibly glad.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Turn Toward Instead of Away.