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Areas › Your marriage › Repair after rupture
Not forgetting, releasing. Once the wound is no longer being made, let it start to close.
The Qur'an speaks directly about being wronged within your own household and says that overlooking, forgiving and pardoning is the way through. Once the harm has genuinely stopped, that is what setting the grievance down looks like.
النور
وَلَا يَأۡتَلِ أُوْلُواْ ٱلۡفَضۡلِ مِنكُمۡ وَٱلسَّعَةِ أَن يُؤۡتُوٓاْ أُوْلِي ٱلۡقُرۡبَىٰ وَٱلۡمَسَٰكِينَ وَٱلۡمُهَٰجِرِينَ فِي سَبِيلِ ٱللَّهِۖ وَلۡيَعۡفُواْ وَلۡيَصۡفَحُوٓاْۗ أَلَا تُحِبُّونَ أَن يَغۡفِرَ ٱللَّهُ لَكُمۡۚ وَٱللَّهُ غَفُورࣱ رَّحِيمٌ
Those who have been graced with bounty and plenty should not swear that they will [no longer] give to kinsmen, the poor, those who emigrated in God’s way: let them pardon and forgive. Do you not wish that God should forgive you? God is most forgiving and merciful
Qur’an 24:22read it in the library
التغابن
يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوٓاْ إِنَّ مِنۡ أَزۡوَٰجِكُمۡ وَأَوۡلَٰدِكُمۡ عَدُوࣰّ ا لَّكُمۡ فَٱحۡذَرُوهُمۡۚ وَإِن تَعۡفُواْ وَتَصۡفَحُواْ وَتَغۡفِرُواْ فَإِنَّ ٱللَّهَ غَفُورࣱ رَّحِيمٌ
Believers, even among your spouses and your children you have some enemies- beware of them- but if you overlook their offences, forgive them, pardon them, then God is all forgiving, all merciful
Qur’an 64:14read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
In Johnson's account forgiveness comes at the end of the repair, once the injury has been heard and the harm has genuinely stopped. Setting the grievance down then is releasing rather than forgetting, and it frees the bond from carrying the old wound.
Susan M. Johnson (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown
Conversation 5, Forgiving Injuries. Johnson holds that an attachment injury, an abandonment at a moment of acute need, blocks all repair until it is named as such, its impact heard without defence, and comfort offered at the exact point of the wound.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Forgiveness, once safety returns, frees the bond from the weight of the past.
Where this sits: EFT, Hold Me Tight Conversation 5: Forgiving Injuries, releasing the grievance once safety has returned.