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Areas › Worry and anxiety › The cost of avoiding
This one is hard to see precisely because the soothing is kind and the distress is real. The usual shape is a fought over morning, the child stays, and the day then holds company, cuddles and calm that no school day ever would. None of this says stop comforting your child. It means moving the warmth so it is not lined up behind staying home: plenty of time together in the evening, and a plainer, quieter morning.
God will find a way out for those who are mindful of Him (Quran 65:2). Holding a boundary you are frightened of holding is easier when you are not the only one holding it.
الطلاق
فَإِذَا بَلَغۡنَ أَجَلَهُنَّ فَأَمۡسِكُوهُنَّ بِمَعۡرُوفٍ أَوۡ فَارِقُوهُنَّ بِمَعۡرُوفࣲ وَأَشۡهِدُواْ ذَوَيۡ عَدۡلࣲ مِّنكُمۡ وَأَقِيمُواْ ٱلشَّهَٰدَةَ لِلَّهِۚ ذَٰلِكُمۡ يُوعَظُ بِهِۦ مَن كَانَ يُؤۡمِنُ بِٱللَّهِ وَٱلۡيَوۡمِ ٱلۡأٓخِرِۚ وَمَن يَتَّقِ ٱللَّهَ يَجۡعَل لَّهُۥ مَخۡرَجࣰ ا
When they have completed their appointed term, either keep them honourably, or part with them honourably. Call two just witnesses from your people and establish witness for the sake of God. Anyone who believes in God and the Last Day should heed this: God will find a way out for those who are mindful of Him
Qur’an 65:2read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
In work with people with generalised anxiety disorder, avoidance, safety behaviours and reassurance seeking could each be measured, shifted during behavioural therapy, and predicted how people did in the short and longer term. Those were adults with a specific diagnosis, analysed from trial data after the fact. The part that carries over is that reassurance is not a neutral kindness, it behaves like the other avoidance patterns.
Katja Beesdo‐Baum; Elsa Jenjahn; Michael Höfler; Ulrike Lueken; Eni S. Becker; Jürgen Hoyer (2012). AVOIDANCE, SAFETY BEHAVIOR, AND REASSURANCE SEEKING IN GENERALIZED ANXIETY DISORDER. Depression and Anxiety doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Whatever reliably follows staying home is teaching the staying home, however loving it is.
Try saying it out loud: we can leave who was at fault for another day and both work on getting her back in. Most people accept that offer if nobody has to admit anything.
A plan followed on some days and not others can be worse than no plan at all. Choose the smallest version you are sure you can keep to, and keep to that.
On a day at home, be the person who supervises rather than the person who keeps them company. The warmth is not cancelled, it moves to the evening.