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Areas › Your marriage › Knowing your partner
It sounds like that scared you. Responsiveness is meeting the feeling, not just the fact.
By God's mercy you were gentle with them (Qur'an 3:159). Meeting a feeling gently is that mercy in a marriage.
آل عمران
فَبِمَا رَحۡمَةࣲ مِّنَ ٱللَّهِ لِنتَ لَهُمۡۖ وَلَوۡ كُنتَ فَظًّا غَلِيظَ ٱلۡقَلۡبِ لَٱنفَضُّواْ مِنۡ حَوۡلِكَۖ فَٱعۡفُ عَنۡهُمۡ وَٱسۡتَغۡفِرۡ لَهُمۡ وَشَاوِرۡهُمۡ فِي ٱلۡأَمۡرِۖ فَإِذَا عَزَمۡتَ فَتَوَكَّلۡ عَلَى ٱللَّهِۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ يُحِبُّ ٱلۡمُتَوَكِّلِينَ
By an act of mercy from God, you [Prophet] were gentle in your dealings with them- had you been harsh, or hard-hearted, they would have dispersed and left you- so pardon them and ask forgiveness for them. Consult with them about matters, then, when you have decided on a course of action, put your trust in God: God loves those who put their trust in Him
Qur’an 3:159read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
The R in Johnson's accessible, responsive and engaged means tuning to the emotion under what your partner said. Naming it gently, it sounds like that scared you, is what makes someone feel felt, and that is the part that deepens the bond.
Susan M. Johnson (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown
A.R.E.: Are you Accessible, Responsive and Engaged? Johnson holds that every quarrel is a variation on one attachment question, can I reach you, and that a partner who can answer yes to the three provides the safe haven the bond depends on.
Strength of evidence: seen more than once. Replicated observational or longitudinal work, not tested against a control.
Emotional responsiveness, not problem solving, is what deepens a bond.
Where this sits: EFT, A.R.E.: Responsive, answering the feeling rather than the fact.