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Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
Realign the sides. The two of you on one team, the cycle on the other.
The believers are but brothers, so make peace between them (Qur'an 49:10). Standing together against the rift is that peace.
الحجرات
إِنَّمَا ٱلۡمُؤۡمِنُونَ إِخۡوَةࣱ فَأَصۡلِحُواْ بَيۡنَ أَخَوَيۡكُمۡۚ وَٱتَّقُواْ ٱللَّهَ لَعَلَّكُمۡ تُرۡحَمُونَ
The believers are brothers, so make peace between your two brothers and be mindful of God, so that you may be given mercy
Qur’an 49:10read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Johnson's frame is that the pattern, not the partner, is what is hurting you both. Saying it out loud mid argument, that it is us against this cycle, puts the two of you back on the same side of the problem.
Susan M. Johnson (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown
Conversation 1, Recognising the Demon Dialogues. Johnson names three patterns, Find the Bad Guy, the Protest Polka, and Freeze and Flee, and holds that the cycle, not the partner, is the enemy: naming it out loud is the first move of de-escalation.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Reframing the fight as a shared enemy restores the alliance.
Where this sits: EFT, Hold Me Tight Conversation 1: the cycle as the enemy, restoring the alliance.