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Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
It started when I felt dismissed, not with the dishes. Find the true first domino.
Believers are told to speak in a direct fashion and to good purpose. Saying it started when I felt dismissed, rather than arguing about the dishes, is speech that is both direct and useful.
الأحزاب
يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ ٱتَّقُواْ ٱللَّهَ وَقُولُواْ قَوۡلࣰ ا سَدِيدࣰ ا
Believers, be mindful of God, speak in a direct fashion and to good purpose
Qur’an 33:70read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Emotionally focused therapy has couples replay one incident slowly to find the point where it turned, which is rarely the topic they were arguing about. Naming that moment, the small dismissal or the turned back, lets you tend the real hurt instead of relitigating the dishes.
Susan M. Johnson (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown
Conversation 3, Revisiting a Rocky Moment. Johnson has the couple slow one incident down and trace their own moves in the dance, on the principle that a cycle can only be interrupted at a point both partners can see.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Locating the real trigger addresses the wound instead of the symptom.
Where this sits: EFT, Hold Me Tight Conversation 3: Revisiting a Rocky Moment, finding where it actually began.