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Areas › Your marriage › Answering bids
Resist the fix. First that sounds so hard, I am here. Solutions can come later, if at all.
By God's mercy you were gentle with them (Qur'an 3:159). Gentle presence reaches what advice cannot.
آل عمران
فَبِمَا رَحۡمَةࣲ مِّنَ ٱللَّهِ لِنتَ لَهُمۡۖ وَلَوۡ كُنتَ فَظًّا غَلِيظَ ٱلۡقَلۡبِ لَٱنفَضُّواْ مِنۡ حَوۡلِكَۖ فَٱعۡفُ عَنۡهُمۡ وَٱسۡتَغۡفِرۡ لَهُمۡ وَشَاوِرۡهُمۡ فِي ٱلۡأَمۡرِۖ فَإِذَا عَزَمۡتَ فَتَوَكَّلۡ عَلَى ٱللَّهِۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ يُحِبُّ ٱلۡمُتَوَكِّلِينَ
By an act of mercy from God, you [Prophet] were gentle in your dealings with them- had you been harsh, or hard-hearted, they would have dispersed and left you- so pardon them and ask forgiveness for them. Consult with them about matters, then, when you have decided on a course of action, put your trust in God: God loves those who put their trust in Him
Qur’an 3:159read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Johnson's view is that a distressed partner needs contact more than answers. Staying with the feeling first, saying that sounds hard and I am here, meets the need that a solution offered too early quietly steps over.
Susan M. Johnson (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown
A.R.E.: Are you Accessible, Responsive and Engaged? Johnson holds that every quarrel is a variation on one attachment question, can I reach you, and that a partner who can answer yes to the three provides the safe haven the bond depends on.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Presence, not problem solving, is what a distressed partner most needs.
Where this sits: EFT, A.R.E.: Responsive, meeting the feeling before offering a solution.