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Areas › Your marriage › Gratitude
Not nice shirt. The way you handled that call was so calm. Precise praise lands deepest.
Among the commands the Quran recalls is to speak good words to people. A compliment specific enough that it could only be your spouse is that command kept where it counts most.
البقرة
وَإِذۡ أَخَذۡنَا مِيثَٰقَ بَنِيٓ إِسۡرَٰٓءِيلَ لَا تَعۡبُدُونَ إِلَّا ٱللَّهَ وَبِٱلۡوَٰلِدَيۡنِ إِحۡسَانࣰ ا وَذِي ٱلۡقُرۡبَىٰ وَٱلۡيَتَٰمَىٰ وَٱلۡمَسَٰكِينِ وَقُولُواْ لِلنَّاسِ حُسۡنࣰ ا وَأَقِيمُواْ ٱلصَّلَوٰةَ وَءَاتُواْ ٱلزَّكَوٰةَ ثُمَّ تَوَلَّيۡتُمۡ إِلَّا قَلِيلࣰ ا مِّنكُمۡ وَأَنتُم مُّعۡرِضُونَ
Remember when We took a pledge from the Children of Israel: ‘Worship none but God; be good to your parents and kinsfolk, to orphans and the poor; speak good words to all people; keep up the prayer and pay the prescribed alms.’ Then all but a few of you turned away and paid no heed
Qur’an 2:83read it in the library
الرحمن
هَلۡ جَزَآءُ ٱلۡإِحۡسَٰنِ إِلَّا ٱلۡإِحۡسَٰنُ
Shall the reward of good be anything but good
Qur’an 55:60read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Gottman's positive perspective rests on a steady flow of appreciation, and specific praise carries more weight than a general nicety because it proves you were watching. One precise compliment a day tips the daily balance toward warmth.
John M. Gottman; Nan Silver (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown
Principle 2, Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration. An active habit of appreciation is the antidote to contempt, which Gottman names the single greatest predictor of divorce. Fondness is rebuilt by rehearsing what is right about the partner rather than by waiting to feel it.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Frequent specific appreciation raises the positive-to-negative balance a marriage needs.
Where this sits: Gottman method, The Positive Perspective; Share Fondness and Admiration (specific, earned praise).