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Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
Not who was right. How it felt for me, how it felt for you, and what we each needed.
The reward of a wrong is a like wrong, but whoever pardons and reconciles is rewarded by God (Qur'an 42:40). Reconciling after the heat is the higher road.
الشورى
وَجَزَٰٓؤُاْ سَيِّئَةࣲ سَيِّئَةࣱ مِّثۡلُهَاۖ فَمَنۡ عَفَا وَأَصۡلَحَ فَأَجۡرُهُۥ عَلَى ٱللَّهِۚ إِنَّهُۥ لَا يُحِبُّ ٱلظَّٰلِمِينَ
Let harm be requited by an equal harm, though anyone who forgives and puts things right will have his reward from God Himself––He does not like those who do wrong
Qur’an 42:40read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
The Aftermath of a Fight is Gottman's structured way of revisiting an incident after it has cooled, beginning with how each of you felt rather than who was right. Processing it this way is what stops a fight hardening into a grudge.
John M. Gottman (1999). The Marriage Clinic: A Scientifically Based Marital Therapy. W. W. Norton
The Aftermath of a Fight. A regrettable incident is processed only once both partners are calm, in order: each states how they felt, each states their subjective reality and the other validates it, earlier triggers are named, each takes responsibility for a part, and together they name one constructive plan.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Processing a regrettable incident without blame prevents it from festering.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict; Aftermath of a Fight or Regrettable Incident (revisit once calm, feelings before blame).