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Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
Stonewalling reads as contempt from the other side. A word turns a wall into a window.
Say what is best, for Satan sows discord (Quran 17:53). Six words naming the pause are better than a silence the other person has to interpret.
الإسراء
وَقُل لِّعِبَادِي يَقُولُواْ ٱلَّتِي هِيَ أَحۡسَنُۚ إِنَّ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنَ يَنزَغُ بَيۡنَهُمۡۚ إِنَّ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنَ كَانَ لِلۡإِنسَٰنِ عَدُوࣰّ ا مُّبِينࣰ ا
[Prophet], tell My servants to say what is best. Satan sows discord among them: Satan is a sworn enemy of man
Qur’an 17:53read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Stonewalling is Gottman's name for going silent while still in the room, and it usually signals flooding rather than coldness, though it lands as a wall. Saying you need a moment and are coming back keeps the withdrawal from reading as abandonment.
John M. Gottman; Nan Silver (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown
The Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. The antidotes are a gentle start-up, a culture of appreciation, taking responsibility for a part, and a physiological self-soothing break.
John M. Gottman; Nan Silver (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown
Principle 5, step 3, soothe yourself and each other. Once a partner is flooded, no productive conversation is possible. Gottman prescribes a break of at least twenty minutes spent genuinely distracted rather than rehearsing the grievance.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Naming a needed pause prevents withdrawal from being felt as abandonment.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict; Four Horsemen, antidote to Stonewalling (say you need a pause and will return).
For a compromise, name your one true core need, then be genuinely flexible on everything around it.
Notice the moment a fight really began, often a small hurt, and name that, not the surface.
Raise the issue as a complaint about a behavior, not an attack on their character. Skip you always and you never.