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Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
Separate the small inflexible core from the wide flexible area. Guard the core, give on the rest.
There is no blame if they come to a peaceful settlement, for peace is best (Quran 4:128). A compromise that guards each core need is that peace made real.
النساء
وَإِنِ ٱمۡرَأَةٌ خَافَتۡ مِنۢ بَعۡلِهَا نُشُوزًا أَوۡ إِعۡرَاضࣰ ا فَلَا جُنَاحَ عَلَيۡهِمَآ أَن يُصۡلِحَا بَيۡنَهُمَا صُلۡحࣰ اۚ وَٱلصُّلۡحُ خَيۡرࣱۗ وَأُحۡضِرَتِ ٱلۡأَنفُسُ ٱلشُّحَّۚ وَإِن تُحۡسِنُواْ وَتَتَّقُواْ فَإِنَّ ٱللَّهَ كَانَ بِمَا تَعۡمَلُونَ خَبِيرࣰ ا
If a wife fears high-handedness or alienation from her husband, neither of them will be blamed if they come to a peaceful settlement, for peace is best. Although human souls are prone to selfishness, if you do good and are mindful of God, He is well aware of all that you do
Qur’an 4:128read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Gottman's art of compromise has each partner name a narrow core need and a wide area of flexibility, then work only in the flexible space. Guarding the whole position is what turns a solvable problem into a deadlock.
John M. Gottman; Nan Silver (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown
Principle 4, Let Your Partner Influence You. A marriage works when each partner yields on something in order to win the relationship, and a husband who refuses to accept influence is at high risk of the marriage ending.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Distinguishing a narrow core need from a wide area of flexibility is what makes a workable, lasting compromise.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict; The Art of Compromise (Core Needs vs Areas of Flexibility).