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Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
Most problems between two people never fully resolve. The task is to soften how you carry them.
Repel evil with what is better, and your enemy becomes a dear friend (Qur'an 41:34). A gentler approach to the old sore point can transform it.
فصلت
وَلَا تَسۡتَوِي ٱلۡحَسَنَةُ وَلَا ٱلسَّيِّئَةُۚ ٱدۡفَعۡ بِٱلَّتِي هِيَ أَحۡسَنُ فَإِذَا ٱلَّذِي بَيۡنَكَ وَبَيۡنَهُۥ عَدَٰوَةࣱ كَأَنَّهُۥ وَلِيٌّ حَمِيمࣱ
Good and evil cannot be equal. [Prophet], repel evil with what is better and your enemy will become as close as an old and valued friend
Qur’an 41:34read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Gottman found that around two thirds of a couple's problems are perpetual, rooted in lasting differences that will not resolve. The work is to raise them gently enough that they can be carried together rather than fought over.
John M. Gottman; Nan Silver (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown
Principle 6, Overcome Gridlock. Roughly two thirds of marital conflict is perpetual, rooted in enduring differences of personality or need. The goal is to move from gridlock to dialogue, not to solve it.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Perpetual problems are managed with humour and affection, not solved.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict; perpetual problems (raise the recurring issue gently, with affection).