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Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
I felt worried when the call did not come lands. You are so thoughtless attacks. Stay with I and the specific.
Be mindful of God, and speak in a direct fashion and to good purpose (Quran 33:70). An I-statement about a real moment is that direct, well-aimed speech.
الأحزاب
يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ ٱتَّقُواْ ٱللَّهَ وَقُولُواْ قَوۡلࣰ ا سَدِيدࣰ ا
Believers, be mindful of God, speak in a direct fashion and to good purpose
Qur’an 33:70read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
In the Gottman Rapoport exercise the speaker describes one specific situation in I statements and drops blame, always and never. Gottman's claim is that you statements are heard as attacks and trigger the defence that stops anything being settled.
John M. Gottman (1999). The Marriage Clinic: A Scientifically Based Marital Therapy. W. W. Norton
The Gottman-Rapoport intervention. Adapted from Anatol Rapoport: the listener must summarise the speaker's position to the speaker's satisfaction and validate it before replying, on the principle that understanding must precede persuasion.
John M. Gottman; Nan Silver (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown
Principle 5, step 1, soften your start-up. A discussion ends on the note it began on. A complaint stated as I feel, about what, and what I need avoids the harsh start-up that predicts a failed conversation.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Framing complaints as I-statements about a specific event, rather than you-accusations, keeps conflict from escalating.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict; Gottman-Rapoport intervention (Speaker: I-statements, gentle start-up).