Loading practices
Loading practices
Areas › Your marriage › Fondness and admiration
Not why can't you be like them. Instead, name what only your spouse is and gives.
Do not strain your eyes toward what We have given others to enjoy (Qur'an 20:131). Contentment with your own is the guard of the heart.
طه
وَلَا تَمُدَّنَّ عَيۡنَيۡكَ إِلَىٰ مَا مَتَّعۡنَا بِهِۦٓ أَزۡوَٰجࣰ ا مِّنۡهُمۡ زَهۡرَةَ ٱلۡحَيَوٰةِ ٱلدُّنۡيَا لِنَفۡتِنَهُمۡ فِيهِۚ وَرِزۡقُ رَبِّكَ خَيۡرࣱ وَأَبۡقَىٰ
and do not gaze longingly at what We have given some of them to enjoy, the finery of this present life: We test them through this, but the provision of your Lord is better and more lasting
Qur’an 20:131read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Gottman ties commitment to cherishing what you have and links betrayal to the habit of comparing your partner unfavourably with someone else. Catching a comparison and naming what only your partner gives keeps that habit from taking root.
John M. Gottman (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W. W. Norton
Atone, Attune, Attach. The betrayer atones without conditions and the hurt partner sets the pace; the couple then rebuilds attunement; and only then attachment. Skipping ahead to reconnection produces what Gottman calls cheap forgiveness.
Strength of evidence: seen more than once. Replicated observational or longitudinal work, not tested against a control.
Cherishing what you have, rather than comparing, is the daily work of commitment.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Trust and Commitment; cherishing rather than comparing (nurturing gratitude for the partner you have).