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Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
You are right, I am sorry I was late; I will watch the time. A small yes lowers the heat fast.
Uphold justice even against yourselves (Quran 4:135). A little honest ownership is justice, and it disarms the fight.
النساء
۞يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ كُونُواْ قَوَّٰمِينَ بِٱلۡقِسۡطِ شُهَدَآءَ لِلَّهِ وَلَوۡ عَلَىٰٓ أَنفُسِكُمۡ أَوِ ٱلۡوَٰلِدَيۡنِ وَٱلۡأَقۡرَبِينَۚ إِن يَكُنۡ غَنِيًّا أَوۡ فَقِيرࣰ ا فَٱللَّهُ أَوۡلَىٰ بِهِمَاۖ فَلَا تَتَّبِعُواْ ٱلۡهَوَىٰٓ أَن تَعۡدِلُواْۚ وَإِن تَلۡوُۥٓاْ أَوۡ تُعۡرِضُواْ فَإِنَّ ٱللَّهَ كَانَ بِمَا تَعۡمَلُونَ خَبِيرࣰ ا
You who believe, uphold justice and bear witness to God, even if it is against yourselves, your parents, or your close relatives. Whether the person is rich or poor, God can best take care of both. Refrain from following your own desire, so that you can act justly- if you distort or neglect justice, God is fully aware of what you do
Qur’an 4:135read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Defensiveness is one of Gottman's Four Horsemen and works as a hidden counter-attack that returns the problem to sender. The antidote is to accept some share of responsibility, even a small one, which lowers the heat faster than any explanation.
John M. Gottman; Nan Silver (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown
The Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. The antidotes are a gentle start-up, a culture of appreciation, taking responsibility for a part, and a physiological self-soothing break.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Owning even a small part of the problem, rather than defending, quickly de-escalates conflict.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict; Four Horsemen, antidote to Defensiveness (take responsibility).