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Areas › Your marriage › Knowing your partner
Your only job is to hear it and understand, not to fix it or judge it. Ask gentle questions and let them unfold.
Avoid making too many assumptions, some assumptions are sinful (Quran 49:12). Setting judgment aside is how you make it safe for a heart to open.
الحجرات
يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ ٱجۡتَنِبُواْ كَثِيرࣰ ا مِّنَ ٱلظَّنِّ إِنَّ بَعۡضَ ٱلظَّنِّ إِثۡمࣱۖ وَلَا تَجَسَّسُواْ وَلَا يَغۡتَب بَّعۡضُكُم بَعۡضًاۚ أَيُحِبُّ أَحَدُكُمۡ أَن يَأۡكُلَ لَحۡمَ أَخِيهِ مَيۡتࣰ ا فَكَرِهۡتُمُوهُۚ وَٱتَّقُواْ ٱللَّهَۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ تَوَّابࣱ رَّحِيمࣱ
Believers, avoid making too many assumptions- some assumptions are sinful- and do not spy on one another or speak ill of people behind their backs: would any of you like to eat the flesh of your dead brother? No, you would hate it. So be mindful of God: God is ever relenting, most merciful
Qur’an 49:12read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
In Gottman's dreams within conflict exercise the listener's only job is to draw the dream out, suspending judgement and any urge to solve. Partners reveal a vulnerable dream only when it feels safe to do so.
John M. Gottman; Nan Silver (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown
Principle 6, Dreams Within Conflict. Gridlock persists because a life dream is hidden inside the position. The Dream Catcher's task is to ask about the dream and honour it rather than to argue the position.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
A safe, non-judging listener is what lets a partner reveal the vulnerable dream beneath a hardened position.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict; Dreams Within Conflict (the Dream Catcher).