Practices

Every practice in the library, in one list. Narrow it by how long you have, who it is written for, and where you are right now.

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130 practices

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Touch them once today with nothing else attached.

A hand on the shoulder as you pass. Sitting close on the sofa. Reaching for their hand while you talk about nothing. No agenda, no next step. Just…

A minuteAffection and touchCoreQur’an 30:21One line of research

Hold their hand while you talk about something completely ordinary.

Touch with no request attached is a language of safety all its own.

A minuteAffection and touchCoreQur’an 30:21Tested in trials

When they are upset, move physically closer before you say anything.

Nearness often comforts before any words can, and asks nothing in return.

A minuteAffection and touchCoreQur’an 30:21Seen more than once

Make them laugh once today, on purpose.

Shared lightness is not frivolous; it is a thread that keeps two people close.

A minuteAffection and touchCoreQur’an 2:187One line of research

Whatever is driving it, behaviour that frightens someone is frightening. The reason behind it does not soften what it was like to stand on the other side of it.

Two people can do something that looks identical from outside and mean quite different things by it. That difference matters for what will help the…

A minuteWhen anger turns to harmCoreQur’an 24:15One line of research

Working out what someone meant by hurting another person is a conversation for the person who did it. Said to the one who was harmed, they were not really trying to hurt you lands as being talked out of your own experience.

Looking for a whole subject rather than a single practice? Start from the nine areas.

Righteous anger and perfectionism

Screens and attention

Shared spiritual life

Treatment and medication

Working with anger

Anyone who has been on the receiving end of violence has usually spent a long time being told it was not what it was. Even a kindly meant explanation…

A minuteWhen anger turns to harmCoreQur’an 4:148One line of research

Try swapping the word. Instead of I got aggressive, try I was defending myself, because that is much closer to what your body thought it was doing at the time.

The word you reach for decides what happens next. Aggressive is a verdict on your character, and verdicts send people into hiding. Defending yourself…

A minuteThe fear underneath angerCoreQur’an 20:67One line of research

Anger and fear are not two separate weathers. They run through much of the same equipment in the body, which is why the two can feel almost identical from the inside.

Heat rising, breath going short, focus narrowing to one person: that is the same list you would give for the ten minutes before a hospital…

A minuteThe fear underneath angerCoreQur’an 21:87One line of research

Anger is often a bluff, a show of size put on by something that feels small. Knowing that is not an insult to you, it is probably the most useful thing you can know about it.

The bluff works on other people, and it works on you too, which is why the voice gets biggest right at the moment you feel most exposed. You do not…

A minuteThe fear underneath angerCoreQur’an 4:28One line of research

Keep one word ready for when the heat arrives: danger. Asking what feels dangerous here gives you something to answer instead of somebody to beat.

Answers are allowed to be small and unimpressive. Being seen as useless. Being talked over again. The value is in having a question short enough to…

A minuteThe fear underneath angerCoreQur’an 26:13One line of research

When a conversation is getting hot, change the geometry. A step back, sitting down instead of standing, ending up side by side rather than face on, all of it lowers how much threat your body is taking in.

Somebody coming too close reads as a threat before a word has been said, and it runs both ways, so you are also the person standing too close to…

A minuteThe fear underneath angerCoreQur’an 48:4One line of research

The angry face is standard human equipment. It looks the same in every country, and people born blind make it too, so nobody had to teach you either to pull it or to read it.

That cuts two ways for you. Yours is showing when you are sure you are hiding it, and people answer what they see rather than what you meant. And…

A minuteThe fear underneath angerCoreQur’an 2:155One line of research

Your eyes flag a threatening shape before you have properly looked at it. By the time you are weighing up what is going on, the alarm has already gone off.

So the spike itself is not a decision, and there is no point arguing with it or feeling ashamed of it. What you can do is give the slower part of you…

A minuteThe fear underneath angerCoreQur’an 70:20One line of research

A colleague's frown is being read by very old equipment that is watching for something pointed coming towards you. The reaction it produces is not a judgement on you, and quite often the frown is not about you at all.

Before you answer the face, get one piece of actual information. Ask what is going on, or simply wait for their first sentence and listen to it. Most…

A minuteThe fear underneath angerCoreQur’an 3:175One line of research

The gap between your car and the one in front belongs to nobody at all, and still, somebody moving into it lands like a break-in.

Old territorial machinery is running on a stretch of road you do not own and will never see again. Seeing that clearly on the motorway makes it…

A minuteThe fear underneath angerCoreQur’an 20:112One line of research

Being cornered is a trigger all by itself. If you want somebody to come down, hand back a little freedom: a clear way out of the room, a choice about where to sit, some say in when this gets talked about.

Watch how fast things escalate the moment a person cannot move, cannot leave, cannot decide anything. It is not stubbornness, it is an old alarm…

A minuteThe fear underneath angerCoreQur’an 21:87One line of research

Losing your temper is the easy move. Staying with the fear underneath is the hard one, in the way that dropping something is easier than holding it steady on your fingertip.

This matters most if some part of you is proud of the temper. Nothing about it is strong, it is simply quicker, and quick is what you reach for when…

A minuteThe fear underneath angerCoreQur’an 2:38One line of research

When somebody's anger is filling the room, the bravest sentence available is usually the plainest one: you are frightening me right now.

It gives them a piece of information they almost never have, which is what they are actually doing to the person in front of them. It also puts…

A minuteThe fear underneath angerCoreQur’an 20:46One line of research

Anger and anguish grew from the same old root, and angst, anxiety and danger belong to the same family of words. The language has been saying this for about a thousand years.

Use it as a handle rather than as proof. Next time you catch yourself furious, try the word anguish instead and see whether anything in you agrees.…

A minuteThe fear underneath angerCoreQur’an 70:20One line of research

Picture two parts of you. One is fast and jumpy and does not take arguments; the other thinks things through but needs a moment to wake up.

Under provocation the fast one is already talking, and reasoning with it goes nowhere. What works is buying the slow one time: step outside, get a…

A minuteThe fear underneath angerCoreQur’an 70:20One line of research