Practices

When a child keeps failing at a task, try reducing what it demands of attention and memory before you increase the practice. Shorter steps, one instruction at a time, the working written down where they can see it.

Attention, holding things in mind and switching between steps all set a ceiling on how much of a lesson gets through. You cannot easily raise that…

Pouring more in does not help while the lid is still on. A child who is exhausted, wound up or not yet settled will keep very little of the lesson, however good the lesson is.

Do the settling first, even when it costs ten minutes of the hour. Sleep, food, movement and a calm start look like the soft part of the day and they…

A child working words out from the pictures and the shape of the sentence is guessing well, not reading yet. It usually holds up until around the third year of school and then gives way, because the pictures stop and the words get longer.

Ask to hear the child read something with no illustrations and no predictable pattern. That is where you find out whether sounds and letters have…

Clapping games, skipping rhymes and silly verses are worth doing. They are good for the ear and they cost nothing, but they will not on their own repair a reading difficulty, and it is kinder to say so early.

Play the games, and separately get the structured teaching that a child with a real decoding problem needs. Families are often told that rhyming…

Invent words together. Say a made up word, pull it apart into its sounds, put it back, then take one sound out and hear what is left. The nonsense is the point, because there is nothing for memory to fall back on.

With a real word, a child who cannot work with sounds can often get by on memory, and you learn nothing about what they can actually do. A made up…

Plenty of children read the equals sign as put the answer here. Write it the other way round sometimes, eight equals three plus five, so they meet the idea that both sides are simply the same amount.

Move the sign about. Leave the gap in the middle, four plus something equals two plus five, and watch what the child does with it. If they add…

The word one does several jobs at once: a digit, a number, a single object, a whole set. A child who has not sorted those out will put figures in the wrong columns and later read a third as a number instead of a part of something.

When digits land in the wrong place, check whether the child knows what is being counted before calling it carelessness. Say the unit out loud: one…

A child who talks well, listens well and seems bright will have their reading failure read as laziness. The strengths are exactly what makes the blame stick.

Strong spoken language, decent attention and an easy manner give an impression of capability that nobody can square with work coming back unfinished.…

When the usual route into reading or arithmetic does not form, children build another one, and it nearly always runs through memory. It works for years, and it costs far more effort than anyone watching realises.

This is the bright child who is somehow always tired, always slow with written work, quietly memorising what everyone else is working out. The route…

In most children attention and memory sit at roughly the same level. When memory is far ahead of everything around it, ask what it has been quietly making up for.

Only fair attention with an unusually strong working memory is a signal rather than a strength to celebrate. The memory is carrying something. Look…

Some people get all the way to university before anything is named, then meet eighty pages of reading a night and cannot do it. Nothing broke that night. The volume simply outgrew a way of coping that had held for years.

The history reads the same way every time afterwards: always needed longer, avoided reading aloud, dreaded timed tests, stomach trouble in exam…

Ask someone to repeat a made up word and memory cannot rescue them. That is exactly why this small task keeps finding difficulties a clever, well practised person hides everywhere else.

Real words can be recalled, and a strong memory will lift a score without the skill underneath being there at all. A word that has never existed…

Take the sorrow you cannot say to anyone else and pour it out to God, in your own plain words.

You do not have to hold it alone or find the right phrase. Say the raw thing to the One who already knows it.

Under every complaint or hard feeling there is a longing. Listen for the wish underneath.

Behind the anger or sadness is a desire. Find the longing and you find what they actually need.

When your partner is angry, do not take it personally or rush to apologize. Ask what the anger is protecting.

All anger has a goal and something blocking it. Find both. What do you need is a good question.

When your partner is sad, do not try to cheer them up or fix it. Find out what is lost or missing.

You are a traveler; they are the guide into their own landscape of sadness. Let them show you.