Lesson 1 of 6 · What we are actually talking about
The measuring stick, and how common this is
The Qur'an gives marriage a purpose in one verse, and it names three things. Rest, affection and mercy. That is the measuring stick, and it is worth having in front of you before anything else. It is not something you are supposed to build inside a dangerous house.
The Book states the obligation on the other side of the ledger too, and it states it in the imperative. Wives are not to be treated harshly in the hope of taking back what was given to them, and they are to be lived with in accordance with what is fair and kind.
Then the scale of it, so you know how unalone you are.
Qur’an and Sunnah
The measuring stick, worth having in front of you before anything else. Marriage is given a purpose in one verse and it names three things. Rest, affection and mercy. That is not something you are supposed to build inside a dangerous house.
وَمِنۡ ءَايَٰتِهِۦٓ أَنۡ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنۡ أَنفُسِكُمۡ أَزۡوَٰجࣰ ا لِّتَسۡكُنُوٓاْ إِلَيۡهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيۡنَكُم مَّوَدَّةࣰ وَرَحۡمَةًۚ إِنَّ فِي ذَٰلِكَ لَأٓيَٰتࣲ لِّقَوۡمࣲ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ
Another of His signs is that He created spouses from among yourselves for you to live with in tranquillity: He ordained love and kindness between you. There truly are signs in this for those who reflect
Qur’an 30:21
And the obligation on the other side of the ledger, stated in the imperative. Not to be treated harshly in the hope of taking back what was given, and to be lived with in accordance with what is fair and kind.
يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ لَا يَحِلُّ لَكُمۡ أَن تَرِثُواْ ٱلنِّسَآءَ كَرۡهࣰ اۖ وَلَا تَعۡضُلُوهُنَّ لِتَذۡهَبُواْ بِبَعۡضِ مَآ ءَاتَيۡتُمُوهُنَّ إِلَّآ أَن يَأۡتِينَ بِفَٰحِشَةࣲ مُّبَيِّنَةࣲۚ وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِٱلۡمَعۡرُوفِۚ فَإِن كَرِهۡتُمُوهُنَّ فَعَسَىٰٓ أَن تَكۡرَهُواْ شَيۡـࣰٔ ا وَيَجۡعَلَ ٱللَّهُ فِيهِ خَيۡرࣰ ا كَثِيرࣰ ا
You who believe, it is not lawful for you to inherit women against their will, nor should you treat your wives harshly, hoping to take back some of the bride-gift you gave them, unless they are guilty of something clearly outrageous. Live with them in accordance with what is fair and kind: if you dislike them, it may well be that you dislike something in which God has put much good
Qur’an 4:19
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
Across more than 300 surveys in 161 countries, about 27 in every 100 women who have had a partner report physical or sexual violence from one. That is here so you know how many people are in this with you, not to make it sound ordinary.
Across more than 300 surveys covering 161 countries, about 27 in every 100 women who have ever had a partner report physical or sexual violence from one, and about 13 in every 100 report it in the past year. The authors are clear that these are modelled estimates built from surveys that ask questions in different ways, and that where it is unsafe to answer honestly the true figure is higher than the measured one. Treat it as an order of magnitude, not a count.
Sardinha L, Maheu-Giroux M, Stockl H, Meyer SR, Garcia-Moreno C (2022). Global, regional, and national prevalence estimates of physical or sexual, or both, intimate partner violence against women in 2018. The Lancet, 399(10327), 803 to 813 doi