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Areas › Your marriage › Rituals of connection
A regular two hours together, asking about dreams and hopes, keeps your map of each other current.
Our Lord, give us joy in our spouses (Quran 25:74). Tending the friendship is how that joy is kept alive.
الفرقان
وَٱلَّذِينَ يَقُولُونَ رَبَّنَا هَبۡ لَنَا مِنۡ أَزۡوَٰجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّٰتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعۡيُنࣲ وَٱجۡعَلۡنَا لِلۡمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا
those who pray, ‘Our Lord, give us joy in our spouses and offspring. Make us good examples to those who are aware of You’
Qur’an 25:74read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Gottman's weekly date exists to keep updating your love maps, not simply to spend time together. Two hours of open questions about hopes and dreams keeps your picture of each other current, which is what intimacy runs on.
John M. Gottman; Nan Silver (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown
Principle 1, Enhance Your Love Map. Emotionally intelligent couples keep a detailed internal map of the partner's world, their worries, hopes, history and daily pressures, and that stored knowledge is what keeps them oriented to each other when life changes.
John M. Gottman; Nan Silver (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown
Principle 3, Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away. Romance is built in the ordinary moment when one partner makes a small bid and the other turns toward it. The running total of those turnings, not the grand gesture, is what fills the emotional bank account.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Regular one-on-one time updating your knowledge of each other sustains intimacy over years.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Turn Toward; Small Things Often (weekly date, updating Love Maps).