Practices

Every practice in the library, in one list. Narrow it by how long you have, who it is written for, and where you are right now.

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148 practices

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Practise not needing the praise, not only the approval. If a compliment can lift you that much, the same dial is being turned when somebody criticises you.

The mirror version of this exercise has someone hold a flattering thought about you while you sit with it and stay level. It feels odd, because few…

Five minutesPractising under provocationCBTQur’an 13:24One line of research

If you have someone safe to do it with, ask them to say the thing you dread being thought about you, on purpose, while you practise staying level.

Home is usually where the anger actually happens, so practice that stays in a therapy room or in your head only goes so far. Agree the words…

Five minutesPractising under provocationCBTQur’an 18:69One line of research

The shape of the whole thing is simple. Find the judgement that stings, meet it, talk it through, meet it again with a different intention, talk it through, then mark that you did it.

The talking between rounds is not a break, it is where the moment turns into something you can use. Marking it at the end matters too. Saying plainly…

LongerPractising under provocationCBTQur’an 20:130One line of research

There is a steadiness worth aiming for: hearing someone disagree with you without either going off at them or going quiet and small.

Those are the two ways it usually falls over. Either the temper goes and the point is lost, or the confidence goes and you find yourself agreeing…

Five minutesRighteous anger and perfectionismCoreQur’an 31:17One line of research

Looking for a whole subject rather than a single practice? Start from the nine areas.

When everything feels flat

Use your strengths

Shame

The fear underneath anger

Righteous anger and perfectionism

Obsessions and compulsions

Your nervous system

Choosing your response

Who pays the bill does give a household some say. That argument weakens every year a child gets older, and it runs out entirely once they are an adult sitting in front of you asking for help.

With a sixteen year old at home on the family plan, parents setting terms is reasonable and worth saying out loud. With an adult, the same move…

Five minutesScreens and attentionADHD skillsQur’an 28:77One line of research

Ask two questions and then sit with the difference. How much time on this would you like? And how much do you think is actually good for you?

Almost nobody gives the same answer twice, and the gap between the numbers is more persuasive than anything you could have told them, because they…

Twenty minutesScreens and attentionADHD skillsQur’an 18:46One line of research

Try one hour with the phone away and out of reach, then talk about what came up. The hour itself is the information.

What surfaces is usually specific and useful. The twenty minute mark where the hand starts moving. The exact worry about what is being missed. The…

LongerScreens and attentionCBTQur’an 62:9One line of research

Fasten a time you keep missing to another person. Go up when your partner goes up. Ask a colleague to knock for you on the way to the meeting.

A person moving is much easier to notice than a number changing. Ask for it as a favour and keep it small and specific, because a vague request to be…

A minuteYour sense of timeADHD skillsQur’an 103:3One line of research

When someone reminds you often enough, things do get done. But the sense of time doing the work is theirs, which is why it all collapses the moment they stop.

Worth naming out loud in a household, because the reminding costs the relationship something and never builds the missing part. A better arrangement…

Twenty minutesYour sense of timeADHD skillsQur’an 103:3One line of research

Take the Friday deadline and walk it backwards onto the days. What happens Monday, what happens Tuesday, written down where both of you can see it.

Children with this difficulty rarely generate the sequence themselves, and asking them to is asking for the thing that is hard. So supply it, on…

Twenty minutesYour sense of timeADHD skillsQur’an 36:38One line of research

Telling someone it was not their fault often bounces straight off, and there is a reason for that. Self blame can be the safer of the two stories, and you are asking them to give up shelter.

So do not lead with the correction. Say instead that it makes complete sense they landed there, that a child needs their parents to be good more than…

Twenty minutesShameTrauma informedQur’an 15:56One line of research

While the feeling is at full volume, no argument gets through, including a good one of your own. Settle the body first and talk afterwards.

Reasoning with someone at their peak, or with yourself, nearly always adds heat rather than sense. The order that works is calm, then conversation:…

Five minutesThe moment before you snapCoreQur’an 2:45One line of research

In a bad moment your attention, your seeing and your remembering all narrow onto the threat. So your memory of the row is a partial recording, and so is theirs.

Worth holding on to before you go back over who said what. Neither of you is necessarily lying when the two accounts differ. Starting with here is…

Twenty minutesThe moment before you snapCoreQur’an 7:154One line of research

If several medications have failed, ask whether anyone else in the family had the same experience. A pattern of non response runs in some families.

It is a question that rarely gets asked and can save a year. If a parent or sibling went through the same list without success and then responded to…

Five minutesTouch and bodyworkMedical and treatmentQur’an 21:90One line of research

There comes a moment when the tissue under your fingers gives a little and allows more depth. Wait for that instead of pressing your way to it.

It sounds fanciful until you have felt it once, and then it is obvious. Rest your hand, keep the pressure steady, and let the softening decide the…

Five minutesTouch and bodyworkBody basedQur’an 4:19One line of research

Long acting does not automatically suit everybody. Some people genuinely do better on shorter doses, and it is worth saying so rather than assuming the newer option must be right.

There is a folk belief that a person's own chemistry takes over in the afternoon once the medicine wears off, and the research does not support it.…

Five minutesTreatment and medicationMedical and treatmentQur’an 65:3One line of research

Medication does not make somebody care more. It narrows the distance between meaning to do the thing and doing it, and that distance is exactly what the other person has been feeling as being let down.

It helps a couple enormously to have the right name for what has been happening. The intention was real every single time. What went missing was the…

Five minutesTreatment and medicationMedical and treatmentQur’an 48:17One line of research

Managing the ADHD is not the goal. Being happy together is the goal, and the ADHD work is only worth doing to the extent that it gets you there.

Keeping that order straight changes the atmosphere of the whole effort. A partner who has spent years being a project stops being one. Requests stop…

Five minutesTreatment and medicationMedical and treatmentQur’an 10:57One line of research

Coaching for adult ADHD comes down mostly to one thing: a standing appointment with somebody who will ask how it went. That sounds thin until you have tried keeping a plan alive entirely on your own.

A coach is not a therapist and does not need to be. They hold the horizon you keep losing and the fortnight that has quietly gone by, and they make…

Twenty minutesTreatment and medicationCBTQur’an 42:38One line of research

Paying someone to help sort the house will not mend the marriage. It will remove one of the things you fight about most weeks, and that counts for more than it sounds.

Nobody should pretend this reaches anything deep. The point is arithmetic. A couple has a certain number of rows in them, and if the living room is…

LongerTreatment and medicationMedical and treatmentQur’an 94:5One line of research